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A hand, a scan, a canal, Panama!

Hellena Hand Job gets a phaser and fires at security guards in a cargo bay. She even does a stupid slo-mo fire-and-fall-sideways move that smacks, slurps, and sucks of a really pathetic attempt to compete with Alias. She lands on her back and jumps up, unharmed, in order to fire, dodge, roll, and fire again. She gets her tackily-dressed ass to the transporter pad and tries to contact Snake Eyes. The fizziness of the comm makes it obvious she's not getting through to the Xindi. A gun-toting Quantum appears behind her and asks, "Leaving so soon?" Other security guards (no Uh-Ohs?) surround her as Quantum tells her they jammed her signal. Do you think you could ever peanut butter a signal? Think about it: you get jam in your hair, it comes out. You get peanut butter in your hair, and it's time to consider elective baldness. Oh, wait, that's gum. You use the peanut butter to get the gum out. Never mind. I'm drunk. Quantum tries to find out who her contact people are, but she's mummer than my ugly birthflower. He orders her off to the brig. Hellena Hand Job gives him what she thinks is an angrily sultry look, and allows herself to be led off.

Sickbay. Phlox examines T'Pol, who is unconscious, and tells Trip he wants to give him a neuro-scan. For a cut? Quantum paces between them as Phlox explains that T'Pol would be dead and gone if she weren't Vulcan. Wouldn't it be cool if the reason why she's not dead is because of her disease? Wouldn't it be cool if I were hired as a writer to come up with twists, explanations, and plots that were vaguely intriguing? Wouldn't it be cool if I got another beer to console myself because they're not banging down my door any time soon? Well, at least one of those things can come true. Pretending not to be aware that T'Pol is currently down for the count, Quantum seethes that he wants to talk to her. Phlox tells him he has to treat her injuries first. "How long?" Quantum peeves. "A few hours," Phlox says, and slides T'Pol into the SCAT. Quantum glowers. Dick, dick, GREY DICK! Shut up, that's how we played it in Minnesota. I mean, with "duck" for "dick," though. "Have Phlox take a look at your head," he orders Trip, and leaves. Trip glances at Phlox and then examines the teeny-tiny ball of cotton he was using to staunch the trickle of blood on his forehead. I can't explain it, but it was really funny -- as though Trip were like, "Yeah, okay, I'll have him take a look. At my bug bite." I'm starting to love Trip. But I can still tell him to shut up, you know.

Brig. Hellena Hand Job pouts in her cell. Outside the door, Quantum holds up her comm thing and asks who she was contacting. She won't tell him, but she does apologize. Oh, well, that makes everything okay! Except when it doesn't. Quantum asks what she did to T'Pol, but instead of answering, Hellena Hand Job says, "She shouldn't have resisted." Quantum storms into her cell. God, you're stupid. You didn't cut off her hands, so the chick should still be considered armed and dangerous! Other than what they already know -- that they're In Danger Will Robinson -- Quantum gets a whole lotta nothing out of Hellena Hand Job. And the reason why he hasn't taken her to the air-lock and started suffocating her is…why? Oh, right, she has dinners. Whatever, Captain Fraidy Cat -- this new, raw, cold persona of yours? THHHICCCCKKKUULLL GRRRECKRECKRECK...RECK. That's the sound of it going down the drain and being ground up in the disposal with the rest of the garbage. Hellena Hand Job decides to get real with him for a minute and says, "It's true that I deceived you, but that didn't make your decision to help me any less admirable. I don't want to see you harmed, Captain. The best thing for you to do is to let me go." Well, if you put it that way, of course -- please feel free to roam about and destroy all humankind. Quantum grabs her by the forearms and shakes her, demanding more info. Reed comms Quantum that there are a few ships approaching. Quantum lets Hellena Hand Job go, looking at her like he's trying to make sense of why he got violent with her. How many more times can I say "whatever" to this show? Just because she's got mammary tissue and fallopian tubes means he's suddenly going to have an attack of conscience for getting slightly rough with her? WHATEVER!!

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