Rogue Planet

Episode Report Card
Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now!
A Private Little Hunt

Campfire. T'Pol goes over the roster of E-crew they should bring down to study the stuff crawling on the planet. Holtz-Damrus comes over and asks if they're enjoying themselves. Quantum assures him that they most definitely are, and thanks him for sharing his campsite with them. Where are the troglodyte s'mores? Holtz-Damrus tells them they'll be heading out on the blood trail in six hours, and suggests to Reed that he get a little shut-eye. "If you're still planning on coming along," Holtz-Damrus says. Reed tells him he wouldn't miss it. Reed, Trip, and T'Pol decide to hit the hay, while Quantum opts to stay up awhile. To be alone with his big captainly thoughts, presumably. Time passes, and Quantum has fallen asleep in front of a curiously still-raging campfire. I gotta get me some of that alien planet wood -- looks like you don't really need to stoke it. A figure approaches the campsite and calls out seductively, "Jonathan." Quantum wipes a trail of drool away and stirs awake. He doesn't see anything, so he snuggles back into the nice, soft pile of logs. The voice calls his name again. Quantum sits up and says, "Hello?" Nothing. He gets up and walks toward the forest. Yeah, that's intelligent. I really hope Jason's waiting for him with a rusty Exacto knife. The voice keeps calling Quantum's name, so he grabs his flashlight and waves it about as he walks deeper into the palm fronds. "Who's there?" he calls out. Finally, he sees a crimped-haired blond in a diaphanous blue gown. Did you know diaphanous blue gowns come in very handy when traipsing around jungles? They do. Particularly the ultra-sheer ones. As Quantum's flashlight shines through her draperies to expose the full outline of her legs, she darts off. He starts to follow, but then seems to give up rather easily. Not able to see her anymore, he hangs his head in disappointment.

I'm sorry, but that Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial with that chick in the pink breakdancer's hat doing The Robot in the front seat with her mouth hanging open? Yeah, um, it's really disturbing. It would like it to stop.

At the campsite, Quantum has roused all and sundry because he saw a bogeywoman. "If the captain says he saw her, he saw her," Trip's telling Holtz-Damrus. When he poses the question, Quantum's told that there are no others in the Eska hunting party. "Certainly no human females," Holtz-Damrus rasps, "You sure she wasn't from your vessel?" Quantum's sure. May-Remember-When reports via communicator that there are no other ships in the vicinity. An Eska, T'Pol, and Reed return to report that they've seen nothing that answers to a description of a scantily-clad female prowling around with crimped hair. "She was young," Quantum states, "Long blonde hair. She was wearing some kind of a nightgown." Reed repeats, "A nightgown, sir?" and T'Pol finishes his thought by stepping forward and saying, "Perhaps you were dreaming." Quantum insists that she was there, she said his name, and he felt like he knew her -- like he had seen her before. That's the last time he's allowed to eat Drayjin patties before bed. Holtz-Damrus whispers, "On this planet, it's always night. You're surrounded by things you can hear but not see. It can, uh, stimulate the imagination." Another Eska tells Quantum that he's not the first to look into the jungle and see something that's not there. "She was real," Quantum insists. Does he feel at all bad that he roused these hunters from their precious sleep before a day for which they needed to be their sharpest so they don't get killed? Probably not. Clearly, the captain of the Enterprise's nocturnal phantasms in nightgowns take precedence over getting gored by prey animals. Holtz-Damrus tries to reason with him, asking, "Captain Archer, what are the chances that you'd encounter a half-naked woman who you think you know dozens of light-years from your homeworld?" What are the chances you'd be pulled into the twenty-first century by a steroid-popping time-traveler to hunt a vampire who's suffering from a soul cough? Quantum doesn’t have an answer for that. Holtz-Damrus tells him to go to sleep and says if he's lucky, he might dream about her. The Eska guffaw again. Quantum looks annoyed.

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