MONDO EXTRAS

And now, Keckler.

Uhura and Chekov put away their own yellow pages at a public phone, and Chekov says he found "it" under "U.S. Government," "Now we need die-rections," he says. They look around and spot a cop giving out parking tickets. This might be my favorite part of the entire movie. It might be considered a cheap laugh, but it never fails to get a hearty one out of me. "Excuse me sir," Chekov begins, "can you direct me to the nawal base in Alameda?" The cop stares at him through his dark glasses and says nothing. "It's where they keep nuclear wessels," Chekov clarifies to him. Still nothing. Chekov looks at Uhura, who nods encouragingly. "Nu-cle-ar wessels," Chekov sounds out to the cop. Zip. Chekov turns away, and Uhura stops people on the street. They're still standing in full view of the staring and impassive cop. "Excuse me, we are looking for nuclear wessels," Chekov calls out to random passersby. No one stops. "Hello, we are looking for nuclear wessels in Alameda -- could you tell me vhere --" Uhura finally grabs a woman and asks for her help. "Ve are looking for the nawal base in Alameda -- could you tell me vhere the nuclear wessels are?" Chekov begins again. "Oh, I don't know if I know the answer to that," the woman says, scratching her head, "I think it's across the bay." She starts to walk away and adds, "In Alameda." "That's vhat I said: Alameda -- I know zat," Chekov gripes. "But where is Alameda!?" Uhura demands of the air.

MUNI crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. A punk rocker with studded leather chokers, orange Mohawk, and a blasting boom box annoys Kirk and Spock. I crack up that the punk lyrics are "Just where is our future, the things we've done and said / Let just push the button -- we'd be better of de-ad / 'Cuz Oiiii, hate you / And oiiii BE-RATE YOU!" Kirk asks the punk if he'd mind shutting off "that noise." The Punk turns up the volume and sneers at Kirk. Kirk and Spock exchange a look. "Excuse me," Kirk tries again, leaning forward and shouting. "Would you mind stopping that damn noise?" The punker flicks Kirk off just as his lyrics scream, "SCREW YOU!" Being that the punk is played by Shatner's son-in-law, I wonder if he derived any pleasure from that flick-off. Kirk looks at Spock, who leans forward and nerve-pinches the punk into unconsciousness. The punk's head slams onto the boom box, shutting it off. The entire bus cheers and claps. I have to say that none of the MUNI drivers I've encountered would actually wait around for a Vulcan to dispatch an annoyance like that. Dude would be off the bus. Without a transfer. Spock wants to know what's up with Kirk's language since they reached 1986: "It's currently laced with -- shall I say -- more colorful metaphors: 'double-dumb-ass on you' and so forth." Hee, the "double dumb-ass" is hysterical enough, but then you add the "on you" and I lose all control. "You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention unless you swear every other word," Kirk explains. Spock nods sagely. "You'll find it in all the literature of the period," Kirk adds. "For example?" Spock asks. "Well, The Collected Works of Jacqueline Susann, the novels of Harold Robbins," Kirk lists. "Ah! The giants," Spock comments. Just take a moment to imagine Kirk reading Valley of the Dolls. He's probably got "I have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and SPARKLE, Neely, SPARKLE!" taped to his mirror, and I'm sure there's more than one person on the Star Trek set that would have loved to pull off his various wigs.