MONDO EXTRAS

The three reach a door guarded by two cops. "Outta the way," Bones orders. The cops won't let them pass. "Oh!" Annie screams in pain. "Dammit -- do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate postprandial upper abdominal distension!" Annie keeps wailing with a lot more verve than someone critically sick would really muster. Generally, those people just lie there, glassy-eyed, and pray for death. ["Like I did when I heard Annie's wailing. Shut up, Annie." -- Sara M] The cops finally move and as they go through the door, Kirk asks loudly, "What did you say she's got?" Does it matter? "Cramps," Bones says just as loudly. Dude, the cops are RIGHT THERE! They can HEAR you! Also, doesn't "postprandial" mean "after a meal"? Wouldn't Bones's answer be more like "indigestion" rather than implying it's femaley? ["Yes. She's got gas. How…perfect, actually." -- Sars]

In Chekov's emergency room, a doctor buzzes up a drill. Bones examines Chekov while the Drill Doctor demands to know who he is, how he got in, and what the hell he's doing. "Tearing of the middle meningeal artery," Bones muses. "What's your degree in -- dentistry?" the asshole Drill Doctor asks. Now, why does Dr. Asshole Drill ask that? Bones wasn't doing or saying anything related to teeth. "How do you explain slowing pulse, low respiratory rate, and coma?" Bones demands. "Funduscopic examination!" Dr. Asshole Drill announces. "Funduscopic examination is unrevealing in these cases!" Bones snaps back. "A simple evacuation of the expanding epidural hematoma will relieve the pressure!" Dr. Asshole Drill shouts. "My god man, drilling holes in his head is not the answer -- the artery must be repaired. Now, put away your butcher knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!" Bones pleads. Dr. Asshole Drill puts down his drill and says he's going to have them removed. Kirk pulls a phaser on him and orders him and his people into another room. "What is that -- a gun?" Dr. Asshole Drill demands as he and his people march mutteringly into the other room. Kirk shuts the door and fires at the doorknob. Dr. Asshole Drill runs back over to the door and rattles it: "He melted the lock!" Now, how exactly can he know that? He has no way of knowing about weaponry that has that capability, and he wasn't even looking out the door's window when Kirk fired. Shut up, Dr. Asshole Drill. Bones throws equipment around and mutters about medievalism before sticking a thing on Chekov's head. The thing makes noises. Kirk and Bones plead with Chekov to wake up. Chekov blinks a bit. Kirk asks him what his name and rank is. "Chekov, Pavel. Rank: Admeeraahl!" Chekov grins.