Fourth TOS Movie? The Hell It Is!
Super-exciting trumpets play us towards the sun and back around the other side. And here's where things get a little weird, because we're about to get a peek into Kirk's scary subconscious -- at least, the small part of it that isn't devoted to sex and boobs and sex with boobs. We see Kirk sitting in his chair. Suddenly, we're in a strange gray tunnel. And then a gray sculpture of Scotty's head comes up from the ground. At least, I think it's supposed to be his head; it looks more like a pre-shaved Alex Trebek. This morphs into what is probably supposed to be Uhura, but totally looks like the sculpture that blind lady made of Lionel Richie in the "Hello" video. Sulu's head pops up next, then it morphs into Chekov. Then McCoy's face pops up, and even in sculpture weird timewarp fantasy form, he's pissed off. McCoy morphs into Spock. Kirk's head pops up last, and it looks even more like the Lionel Richie sculpture than Uhura did. And now we're looking at a whale-shaped block of clay. That turns into a naked man, who I hope hope hope isn't supposed to be Kirk, who goes flying into a white and blue wind tunnel thing and Quantum Leap totally stole that. ["SO stolen!" --Keckler] Flying naked mannequin dives into some water in slow motion. The water bubbles, then turns into a pond. With reeds sticking out of it. And then the screen goes red and we're back on the bridge with Kirk. Dude, I don't even know what just happened. ["It's only Nimoy trying to be all like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it really comes out like 'Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy.' Just ignore him." -- Keckler] I forgot that that segment ever even existed in this movie until Keckler reminded me, because I'm pretty sure I blocked it out along with my other assorted childhood traumas. And -- there! I've managed to block it out again. Last thing I remember, the Klingon ship was flying towards Earth.
Kirk wakes up. "That dream was crazy, yo," he says, "no more time-traveling before bedtime for me!" Kirk wakes up the rest of his crew, who apparently thought that saving Earth wasn't so important that they couldn't take a power nap before really embarking on the mission. Either that, or time travel is just exhausting! Sulu looks a little freaked out as he wakes up, which makes me wonder what exactly he was dreaming about, until I remember that I don't ever want to see inside Sulu's subconscious because the regular Sulu creeps me out enough as it is. Kirk gets Earth on the viewscreen and asks Spock when they are. Spock says that the pollution content of the atmosphere indicates that they are in the late twentieth century. Kirk is psyched, but McCoy just sits there shaking his head and looking very sad. Spock cuts the self-celebration period short and tells Kirk to engage the cloaking device so they aren't detected by anyone on Earth. Like Reagan's missile-defense satellite system. Oh, except that never actually worked.