Subvulcanean Homesick Blues
The bell ringing stops, and T'Pau declares, "Eet ees done." T'Pring smiles smugly. "Kirk, decide!" T'Pau orders. Kirk wipes his upper lip and steps forward. "I accept the challenge," Kirk announces. If he's expecting a big cheer from the stands, he's going to be disappointed. T'Pau tells one and all that the combat for T'Pring begins now, and orders forth the lirpa. That sounds kinda gross; I don't know why. Two guards present two weapons which would be really deadly-looking if they weren't so busy being fake-looking. Spock grabs his weapons and appears to gnash his teeth. Kirk holds his weapon and realizes that it's heavy. "If both survive the lirpa combat, [they] will continue with the ahn woon," T'Pau says, walking back to her chair. Kirk wants to know what she means by "if both survive." T'Pau tells him that this is a fight to the death. Kirk swallows hard and looks at Bones. After glancing at the glowering Spock, Kirk runs back to T'Pau and said he didn't read any small print about a fight to the death. T'Pau doesn't care, because this is as it was in the beginning, this is as it is now, and this is how it will be ever after. Bones also tries to protest, but T'Pau says that she will forgive "such a display" only once. The Guard Of Cowardice comes and puts his weapon to Bones's chest, encouraging him to back off. T'Pau says that the challenge was put forth and lawfully accepted, and no one must interfere further. Spock and Kirk face each other.
Thrust, parry, jump, slash. Spock slashes a slash in Kirk's shirt, exposing his chest. How in the world he managed not to slash his Man Nipples off, I can't conceive. You know, as much face-time as Kirk's Nipples get, you'd think they would insist on top billing, or at the very least "recurring guest star" status. Kirk looks annoyed, but probably feels more of a cooling breeze now. T'Pring looks bored. Slash, jump, parry, thrust. Kirk ducks, and Spock hits the Coffin Gong, breaking it along a pre-perforated crack. Feint right. Spock drops his weapon. Kirk leaps on him. Feint left. Touché. Spock takes Kirk's weapon away and breaks it. Bones looks concerned. Spock chases Kirk around with his weapon. Grabbing hold of the weapon, Kirk flips Spock into the sand. Spock flips Kirk into the sand too and proceeds to aim for his head. "Spock! No!" Bones shouts. Spock misses as Kirk dodges. Kirk must've kicked him in the stomach next, because Spock sails backward without his weapon. T'Pau stands up and shouts, "Kroykah!" This must mean stop, because they do. Bones asks T'Pau, "Is this Vulcan chivalry? The air's too hot and thin for Kirk. He's not used to it." T'Pau delivers the best line of the episode: "Zee air ees zee air." She asks what Bones proposes. Bones rips into his magic bag of medical stuff and holds up a hypospray: "I can compensate for the atmosphere and the temperature with this. At least it will give Kirk a fighting chance." T'Pau tells him to go for it. Bones administers the hypospray. Kirk pants. Bones tells Kirk that he's going to have to kill Spock. Kirk won't do it. Then Kirk asks what Bones is plying him with, and Bones tells him it's a "triox compound" that will help him breathe. Me, I just use Albuterol. Bones warns Kirk to be careful. "Sound medical advice," Kirk snarks. Bones goes back to his place on the sidelines, and T'Pau calls out for the ahn woon. I should ask Manimal if her family had anything to do with inventing that device. The Abacus Bells ring, and the two prizefighters are presented with whip-strap-belt thingies. Kirk makes a gesture with his hand like he doesn't know what in hell he's supposed to do with it. Spock shows him by lassoing Kirk around the knees and pulling him to the ground. More tussling. Rolling in the sand. Ooh -- watch out for the papier-mâché fire pit. Punching. Then Spock wraps his ahn woon around Kirk's neck and strangles him. Kirk goes limp. T'Pau yells out, "Kroykah!" and Spock looks suddenly aware of what just happened. Weird Vulcan looks as he has this whole episode -- weird. T'Pring looks snidely intrigued.