MONDO EXTRAS

Somewhere in Vasquez Rocks, Kirk finds diamonds and records, "Perhaps the hardest substance known in the universe." Hey, you don't say! And all this time I thought the hardest substance in the universe was YOUR HEAD! Kirk points out that the diamonds are "beautifully crystallized and pointed, but too small to be used as a weapon." Unless they were used as projectiles exploded out of a controlled crevice with great force. Oh, sorry, I guess I should have spoiler-tagged that little bit of info. Kirk laments, "An incredible FOR-tune in stones YET I would trade THEM ALL for a hand phaser or a good solid club." It's a shame -- there's a positive dearth of clubs these days -- the last good, solid one really was The Twenty-One. And yet, well, let's face it -- getting all Dalied up in Spellbound didn't exactly do wonders for the rep. Kirk repeats that The Metrons -- he keeps calling them "The Metr-ones" as if they were a fifties revival band in green sharkskin suits with a lead singer named Matty -- told him there would be weapons on the planet, but his brain is diamond-like in it's inability to figure out where exactly these items that could destroy on a mass scale are. Wow -- how deep is that? The Metrons/George W. Bush insisted there were WMD on Vasquez Rocks/Iraq but so far, Kirk/U.N. has yet to find them! This show was SO ahead of its time. I think it only fair to let you know that I've been drinking. Deeply. Kirk runs away some more. RuGorn grrisses. I firmly believe that RuGorn's inability to close his mouth is the reason why he's such a mouth-breather. Maybe he could alleviate his sinus pressure by slapping on two-and-forty BreatheRight strips. Dude could be so much happier. And quieter.

Down below, RuGorn is busy assembling a Chuck Jones-inspired trap. Kirk looks at a boulder sitting on the very tip of the top of Vasquez Rocks' highest and most angled peak, and then looks down at RuGorn -- the wheels, they are turning. Look, I know this is Vasquez Rocks, but somehow I think The Metrons expected you to be a little more inventive -- enough with the papier-mâché rocks already. Kirk sloooooowly pushes the boulder over the edge, and it bounces down. RuGorn hears a patched-in avalanche sound and looks up. Comically, he drops what he's doing and spreads his arms out to the side -- all transfixed by the falling foam -- and allows the boulder to land on him. When the dust -- piped in from the left-hand side of the screen even though the boulder fell squarely center stage -- clears, Kirk looks down on the fallen RuGorn. RuGorn must have turned completely around to check his hemline because, when the boulder fell, he was watching its descent, yet now he's lying facedown with the boulder on his back. Tricky. Kirk smiles and jumps down to check the body. Kirk obviously hasn't watched a whole lot of horror/action movies/television since everyone knows that the first "death" is never the real one. In fact, if you are so certain you killed someone that you would stand close enough for the person/creature/hobbit/tralk to grab your ankle and pull you down in order to better mutilate you, why get close at all? Why not just stay where you are -- preferably out of arm's/tongue's/weapon's reach -- and wait for The Metrons to hand over the thick belt with the huge buckle? The world may never know.