MONDO EXTRAS

Enterprise. Spock urgently wants a conference with, and tries to contact, "The Metrones." The Metrons are at the other end of the line thinking he must be a telemarketer, because no one who knows them would mispronounce their name. At any rate, they're on a Do Not Call list, so no one responds to Spock.

Kirk runs up the rocks and stops to record this moment in history. There's this weird yellow powder all over the rocks -- it looks like someone spilled a package of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Kirk records, "This may be my last entry. I am almost exhausted. Unless I find the weapon The Metrone mentioned, I have very little time left." You're sitting in it -- it's the cheesiest! RuGorn is still unable to break himself of his nasty little eavesdropping habit. Kirk dabs at the dehydrated cheese and sniffs it. Kirk's mouth doesn't move as his overdub dubs, "Native sulfur, diamonds -- this place is a mineralogist's dream! Yet...there...is...something...aboutsulfur. Somethingveryold. IF only...Icouldremember." Kirk hobbles away without remembering that what he was trying to recall is that sulfur smells like farts. And not just any farts. Farts that have specifically been trapped in a minivan and driven from Minnesota to Seattle in ninety-eight degree heat with no hope of escape.

Enterprise. Bones gets more and more irritated: "It is just inconceivable that we are immobilized!" You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. The Metrons ring them up, saying, "We are The Metrons. Not The Metr-ones. That is all." Okay, well, they do start by saying, "We are the Metrons" -- as if anyone else would be calling Enterprise at this ungodly hour -- and let them know that Kirk is losing the battle. "We would suggest you make any memorial arrangements, if any, which are customary in your culture," the Metrons say. That is so thoughtful -- just like Balock's offer in "The Corbomite Maneuver" -- they meet the nicest aliens! Bones appeals to them in the name of civilization to put a stop to these shenanigans. "Your violent intent and actions demonstrate that you are not civilized. However, we are not without compassion. It is possible you might have feelings toward your captain. So you will be able to prepare yourself, we will allow you to see and hear what is now transpiring," the Metron says. Wait, that's showing compassion -- making them watch their captain die a grisly death? The Metrons clearly stayed in for a jam session the night Clockwork Orange opened up. The psychedelicness of the Metrons' signal fades to show RuGorn grrissing merrily along Vasquez Rocks. Uhura throws the back of her hand up to her mouth. With that sort of gesture, I next expected to see RuGorn twirling his moustache and rubbing his hands together.