MONDO EXTRAS

From here on out, we watch MetronTV and see the Kirk events unfolding on Enterprise's viewscreen. Bones laments that they can't contact Kirk. And what would they say if they could? "There's a big gecko costume following you"? I believe he already knows that. Metron-Cam shows Kirk languishing delicately on some white powder-covered rocks. You know, if they weren't so intent on annihilating each other, they could take a page from Alice Waters and concentrate on the local produce -- a little Kraft Macaroni and Cheese there, and now this powdered milk here -- just add some water and cut up hot dogs and have a nice civilized meal. I'll bet your bottom dollar that's what the Metrons were really getting at -- in actuality, they are party planners. Spock ruins my little dream by saying that the white powder is potassium nitrate. Bones is all, "You're taking a geological survey at a time like this?!" Because, of course, doctors know nothing about chemistry.

Then from Spock's mouth to Kirk's ear, because at that precise moment, Kirk notices the powdered milk and starts examining it. He tastes it and spits it back out. I don't know about the captain of a warp-drive starship that boldly goes into major grammatical errors, but we were taught in A.P. Chem never to put any unknown substance in your mouth. Maybe it's okay to do it when you're stranded in California with a steroidal Izod tracking you. It's a preppie's worst nightmare -- right after learning that Polo collars haven't been worn in the upright position since 1983. Kirk gets an idea, and smirks. He starts running down the rocks, but stops short when he hears RuGorn grrissing, "Earthling! Captain!" Kirk wonders aloud if it is "The Metrone." "This is your opponent, Earthling. I have heard every word you have sssssaid," RuGorn says. Kirk grabs his recorder-translator and asks what RuGorn wants. "I weary of the chasssse. Wait for me, I sssshall be merccccciful and quick!" RuGorn promissssessss. "Like you were at Cestus III?" Kirk counters. "You were intruding! You esssstablisssshed an outposssst in our ssssspaccccce!" RuGorn informsssss him. On Enterprise, Spock frowns. "You butchered helpless human beings," Kirk yells. "We dessstroyed invadersssss asssss I sssshall dessstroy you!" RuGorn announcccccessss. Without another word, Kirk reattaches the recording-translating device to his belt and limps off. Back at the star paddock, Bones wonders if what RuGorn is saying is true: "Was Cestus III an intrusion on their space?" I think it's a sign that I've been watching too much Sex and the City from Netflix, because that sounded exactly like Carrie's question of the week. "It may well be possible, Doctor, we know very little about that section of the galaxy," Spock answers. Then why the hell did the Federation put an unprotected outpost there? Did they go to The Jonathan Archer Institute of Captaining and Furrowing? Bones figures that that means they could be in the wrong here, and Spock agrees, "That is something best decided by diplomats." "The Gorn may simply have been trying to protect themselves," Bones adds.