Props to akg, whose bountiful supply of tapes made this recap possible.
A really phallic ship moves across the right side of the screen. Enterprise moves across the left side. A red alert is sounded. We know this because of, well, the noise, the Knox block flashing on someone's console, and the BIG HUGE SIGN on the wall telling us, "Condition ALERT." I've never seen that sign before, how funny. Sulu presses buttons as a viewer slowly deploys itself up on legs. Cool! Kirk just stares out at the phallus, not betraying any fear. There's whole lot of staring and no real dialogue in these first few seconds. Kirk walks by Sulu and Chekov. Sulu gives him a report on their weapons, Chekov on their range to the vessel. Kirk ignores them and asks Spock what dirt he has on the S.S. Penis. Spock doesn't have much, but comments that the ship is of "unique technology." Uhura isn't having any real luck either. Kirk magnifies the phallus. The viewscreen trembles as though it were a pond being disturbed, and the ship is brought in slightly closer. Kirk asks what Scotty makes of the ship. "Beats me, but isn't she a beauty?" Scotty croons. "Beats me"? Oh, dear. "Interesting design," Kirk adds. I agree, now where have I seen something like that before? Scotty says he hasn't seen anything like her, but crows over the fact that the S.S. Penis uses ion propulsion, and thinks "they" could teach Enterprise a thing or two. On life signs, Spock reports a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere and only one life sign. Spock notes that the humanoid seems to be beaming to their bridge. Kirk orders up security. A woman beams on to the bridge looking like a flat, green Colorform. Remember Colorforms? I loved those. The soft violins of She's A Hot Chick In Skimpy Attire So She's No Real Danger plays. She is in skimpy attire, the music doesn't lie! She's wearing a metallic lavender mini-dress with dark purple fuck-me boots held up by garters going I don't know where. She smiles at everyone. Spock raises an eyebrow. Kirk introduces himself. Security arrives, but the Hot Chick In Skimpy Attire presses a button on her watch and there's a boi-oi-oi-ng, after which the lights go out and people fall down. She keeps pressing the boi-oi-oing button until we get the idea that the whole ship is knocked out. She smiles widely and walks across the bridge, pauses for a moment at Kirk's chair, but ultimately passes him by for Spock. Girl has taste. She puts her hand on Spock's head.