MONDO EXTRAS

Cue Star Trek music, which, though commonly known as the theme for The Next Generation, was actually first used in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. It's still good.

Stardate: 8454.1 (i.e. sometime in the 23rd century) in Yosemite National Park, Planet Earth.

Not the fake perspiration on his face, the fancy-schmancy Reeboks, or the flour they dipped his pudgy hands in to make it look as though he's been scrabbling among the rocks for hand-holds can convince me that Shatner's fat fanny is fit enough to nimbly scale a sheer rock face. On the ground, Bones looks anxiously through a pair of hi-tech binoculars and mutters to himself, "'You'll have a great time, Bones. You'll enjoy your shore leave. You'll be able to relax.' You call this relaxing? I'm a nervous wreck. If I'm not careful, I'll end up talking to myself!" The Great Captain Kirk pauses in his "exertions" on El Capitan and surveys the mountainscape before him until a rocketboot-powered Vulcan jets up next to him, obstructs his view, and starts lecturing him on the logic of undertaking such a dangerous climb. Kirk tells Spock not to distract him and then predictably falls off the mountain, plummeting, we can only hope, to his death. On the ground, Bones begins the motions of a heart attack, and Spock, after briefly considering if it's worth it, reverses himself and zooms down the mountain face after the yelling Kirk. He grabs Kirk's leg just before he smashes his face-lift into the rocks below. The two of them hang there suspended while Spock finishes his lecture and Kirk cracks some banal joke to Bones about "dropping in for dinner." Good thing Kirk had that ultra-obvious wire jutting out from his waist to lend extra safety to Spock's rocketboots catch. And not to get all nitpicky or anything, but if Spock's rocket boots allowed him to jet up the mountain and hover next to Kirk, how in the laws of physics are those same rockets not ramming him and Kirk into the ground now that they are both "suspended" upside down? Are the rocket thrusters able to reverse?