MONDO EXTRAS

Another caped, lone, and mysterious rider gallops across the dust and desolation of Nimbus III. The mysterious rider enters a cantina -- which suffers in comparison to the cantina of Mos Eisley -- ignores a dancing half-cat, half-human with three breasts, and acts mysteriously with the patrons before disappearing mysteriously into a mysterious back room. The cloaked rider throws off her hood, removes her breathing mask, and says metallically, "Gentlemen, I'm Caithlin Dar," to a human and Klingon seated at a grungy table. She's supposed to be the Romulan consul to the planet, but I guess someone forgot to alert the make-up crew. The human gets up and welcomes her to Paradise City, capital of the Planet of Galactic Peace. Heavy sarcasm on the word "Peace." The human, who has been given that funky British name of St. John, pronounced "Sinjun," introduces himself as the Federation consul to Nimbus III, and the massive Klingon at the table as that race's consul. The Klingon wetly belches a greeting between swigs from a flask.

Outside, the Laughing Vulcan and Michael Stipe With No Teeth have seemingly raised an army from the other dust nomads, and they all "hup two three" to Paradise City, singing, "Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh, won't you please take me ho-oome." Okay, no, but it would have been very funny if they had been singing that.

Apparently, the three of them have gathered to discuss the problems on the Planet of Galactic Peace, primarily that there is no peace on the planet. Caithlin Dar expositions for us that, twenty years ago, the three races founded Nimbus III together: "A new age was born," she says in the soothing tones of my yoga instructor, turning and smiling at her fellow ambassadors in turn. Maybe if they'd invented her race, much like they seem to have invented most of the facts in this movie, I'd find Caithlin Dar believable, but Romulans, soothing and smiling and acting peaceful? Not on your class M planet. "Our 'new age' died a quick death," Sinjun sneers through his greasy mop of hair, "and the settlers they conned into coming here -- they were the dregs of the galaxy -- immediately began fighting amongst themselves. We forbade them weapons, they soon began to fashion their own." Caithlin Dar, calm unruffled, smiles again and says, "Then it seems I've arrived just in time." Yes, because we all know the Romulans to be the distributors of peace to the galaxy. The Klingon must share my thoughts, because he looks puzzled -- either that, or the Saurian brandy isn't sitting well with him. A metallic alarm starts to grind outside, and "people" start to run around. The three ambassadors step outside to see Paradise City under attack by the Dust Mite army. Gotta love that the gate to Paradise City actually says "Paradise" in English, as though that would be the common language on that planet. Let's just nurse the overweening delusion that English would be the dominant language of the 23rd century, shall we?