Yours Is The Superior Star Trek Movie
The best part about watching the opening again was that the Evil Dr. Mathra did this weird dance to the music. It was two parts orchestral conducting and one part interpretive ice dancing, although he insists it was more like rhythm gymnastics. He loves this soundtrack. "That, of course, was the homage to Alexander Courage for the original soundtrack," the Evil Dr. Mathra interjects at some critical point in the score. What a geek.
It's the twenty-third century (wow, that's only two hundred years away, y'all!), and Kirstie Alley was several thousand courses of Botox injections and just as many yards of changeable taffeta away from discovering Pier 1. Now she's sitting on the bridge of a ship, quoting coordinates to Spock. I have to admit that when I first saw this movie, the fact that she was giving Sulu, Spock, and Uhura orders didn't faze me at all. Neither did the fact that her command epaulets and excessively ribbed mock turtleneck were red. I just took at face value that she was in charge.
Uhura plays a distress call from the Kobayashi Maru and asks for the distressed ship's coordinates. The distressed captain gives certain coordinates, which make Kirstie Alley mutter, "The Neutral Zone," before ordering up stats on the ship. For 1984, the graphics they have on the viewscreen are pretty impressive. Once Saavik learns there are over three hundred people aboard the Kobayashi Maru, she mutters a rather un-Vulcan "damn." She orders Sulu to take them into the Neutral Zone, prompting Sulu start up with a reminder of what happens when Starfleet vessels enter the Neutral Zone. "I'm aware of my responsibilities, Mister," Saavik drones peremptorily. Again, if you take into context what this whole thing actually turns out to be, it's very weird that she calls him "Mister" like that. She's obviously partial to method-captaining. Sulu makes a "Well, I warned you, Veronica!" face and plots the course. They enter the Neutral Zone -- which, if the dialogue is to be believed, is basically a DayQuil capsule -- and Spock whirls around to announce that they have now violated the treaty. Saavik ignores him and comms the transporter room to stand by to transport survivors from the distressed ship. An electronic non-Majel voice announces the approach of three Klingon ships. All this time I was thinking it was the Romulan Neutral Zone -- I keep forgetting that Worf's smooth-foreheaded ancestors were really the big bads of this series. At this unwelcome news, Saavik draws her lips together and raises an eyebrow. Nice one -- I wish I could do that. Best I can do is pluck it into a permanent state of withering scorn. Three Klingon battle cruisers appear on the viewscreen. They can't tell them they're on a rescue mission, because the Klingons are jamming their comm frequencies. I always think that tactic is just like not answering the phone after you've gotten in a fight with your boyfriend and hung up on him mid-scream. Or, even better, you pick up the receiver and hang up without saying anything or even listening to who is there. I did that a lot, because I'm a vindictive little hussy.