Storm Front, Part I

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Keckler: C- | Grade It Now!
Ding Dong, Daniels is Dead!

Meanwhile, on Quantum Leap, Sam is taken care of by a gorgeous black woman, who will turn out to be in dire trouble and also somehow also related to him. As she proceeds to mop down his fevered brow with a washcloth, a shirtless Quantum gasps awake. She assures him she's "a friend" and reminds him that war's a dirty business. Where are they getting these weak-ass lines? It's like they just stopped trying. And it's the FIRST EPISODE OF THE SEASON! Oy. Her name is Alicia Travers and she wants to know what the last thing is that Quantum remembers. "Well, I was a baseball player and I had just hit a home run, which is funny because I even don't know how to play baseball, but I had to do it to save someone's life who was in dire trouble and then they turned out to be related to me," Dr. Mathra snorts. Don't mind him, I've discovered the joys of TiVo capturing 3 AM Quantum Leaps and he's irritated with me for subjecting our apartment to marathons. Alicia tells him his SS "friends" are dead, which is how we all like them. She fusses over him a bit more with the damp washcloth and confuses him by calling him "sailor." "Yeah, the patch on your shirt says Enterprise -- you must've made it off before it sank. How'd you wind up all the way over here?" Oh, are we supposed to feel all choked up that in this alt timeline the U.S.S. Enterprise sank instead of earning the twenty-or-so battle stars at Midway, Iwo Jima, and Guadalcanal, among others? Because I don't. It may have something to do with that Giant Reset Button Throbbing in the Sky, or it may have something to do with Contrivance's big ol' pocket handkerchief soppily embroidered with the lyrics to "When the Swallows Return to Capistrano" in a pattern illustrating the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Quantum doesn't know how he got there and asks where "there" is. Brooklyn. For some unfathomable reason, the music wants us to believe this is a huge revelation, and I'd love, love, LOVE to think it's because of the quote "Well, there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn't advise you to try to invade" (thank you, Demian), but I'm giving the writers far too much credit for that sort of subtlety. And intelligence. And imagination. And class. Oh, and here is where Quantum mutters something about it being World War II. Alicia says she hasn't heard it called that before, BUT if it is 1944, as they just said it was, people were actually already calling it just that. She probably doesn't get out much. Or listen to the radio. Or read newspapers. Or talk to anyone in the underground who has access to everything, including ground beef and news.

The next scene should probably strike fear, loathing, and general ickiness in the hearts of all red-blooded Americans, but you know? Thinking of the current administration scares me much more. Nazi banners are draped all over the White House, which is missing a corner off the top and scorch marks. Inside, the Alienazis are showing period-y black and white films of a new phaser weapon that can blow apart a tank in a single shot. They're developing that kind of technology and they still can't watch it in color? Not a very effective salesman, this Camel Taupe. The human Nazi --who is no Conrad Veidt, by the way -- wants the new weapon right away, but Camel Taupe explains why that would not be adequate leverage of their particular combined skill set if they wanted to grow their win, win, win for the Alienazis, the Nazis, and the compulsory serving of sauerkraut at breakfast. He mentions how, in his century, they have energy cells the size of a coin, but not so much in this century. But you know what they do have? Visine. Camel Taupe requires more supplies, but Nonrad Veidt screeches -- in that weird way that only Nazis and red-bottomed monkeys ever mastered -- that they can't keep diverting supplies from the war effort. Camel Taupe explains that as they are in the "house of the former U.S. President," he thinks the war effort is going well enough. What is with the over-explanation? Do they really have such a low opinion of their audience that they think we wouldn't recognize the White House just because they pinned up a few swastikas here and there? Puh-leese -- we watch West Wing!

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