Storm Front, Part II

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
Silik Stalkings

"Take it out," Quantum orders Reed. Which he does in a few blasts.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Camel Taupe howls as his face twists and stretches in the conduit's doorway. There's a burst of light and then -- oh, hell, this is the really bad part, which is saying fuckloads, considering this entire episode sucked the always damp scum off my bathroom floor -- Quantum is standing in front of a blue screen where pink and blue (PINK AND BLUE!) light streams behind him. Movie images of "Our History in Twee" flicker past him, and it's like they're all scenes from Cecil B. DeMille movies. "It's the opening to In Search Of and, oh, look! It's a Renaissance Festival!" Cask 23 announces. And a Renaissance Festival and a Renaissance Festival..."No, that's Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail!" the Evil Dr. Mathra chimes in. How telling is it that the three of us paused and rewound this sentimental journey so many times just so we could identify all the images? We were more obsessed with this part than any other aspect of the episode. And it's not that this is a cool scene either, we were just looking for something to NUMB THE PAIN OF WHAT WENT BEFORE! And, of course, we were all pretty drunk by this stage. Daniels (damn him!) appears in his Michelin suit to compliment Quantum for killing Camel Taupe and resetting the timeline. Does this mean there was love and laughter and peace ever after now the world is free? Did the shepherd tend his sheep, the valley bloom again and did Jimmy go to sleep in his own little room again?

Wait, now just stop right there: how the HOLY HELL does killing Camel Taupe reset the entire timeline, including the Nazi (I assume) occupation of America? The only way is if it was Camel Taupe who had something to do with assassinating Lenin. Yet they have T'Pol saying earlier that the Alienazis couldn't have been involved in that particular event because they arrived just a few years ago. The notion that all Quantum had to do to reset time was kill Camel Taupe and his time machine doesn't explain why or how the Nazi occupation would end or never exist. As far as they've wanted to tell us, the Nazi invasion of America took place without Alienazi interference; therefore, even after Quantum kills Camel Taupe, et cetera, the Nazis would still be ordering their sauerkraut at Zabar's. Why didn't they just make it that Camel Taupe was the one who assassinated Lenin, and actually that's why Quantum needed to eradicate Camel Taupe from past, present, and future? Is it because they want it to be YET ANOTHER FACTION who was responsible for Russia's downfall? Because if so, that would mean they still have to revisit this Temporal Not So Cold War and I would have to kill myself. Also, is the Temporal Not So Cold War now over because Camel Taupe is dead and therefore not able to go into the past to start the damn thing in the first place? Sars, please, please fire me -- I really can't handle this anymore. I screamed myself hoarse over this episode and now sound like Harvey Fierstein on steroids.

Meh. Quantum doesn't want Daniels's nasty little hands patting him on the back. "I want you to leave me and my crew alone. We're done with you and your damned Temporal Cold War," Quantum snaps, staring stoically at Eli Whitney and echoing my very thoughts every time I think about this damn show. Daniels assures Quantum that the Temporal Not So Cold War is finally coming to an end, thanks to him, and that he saved many lives. Well, unfortunately, he managed to save yours, Daniels, and I can't ever, EVER forgive him for that. "Just send us home," Quantum sighs as Three Mile Island and Maggie Thatcher twee by. "It's almost ready," Daniels admits, wondering if he could pull Quantum into a final, passionate kiss and then reset the timeline so that Quantum would never remember it. "Goodbye, Jonathan. Captain," Daniels says as September 11th flies by. Can we just stop with the emotional pandering and chain-jerking right about now? Oooh, a still-disturbing image of the Twin Towers smoking as people DIED in them -- this must be a deep and wonderful show! Fuck me.

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