On the bridge, Cpt. Quantum asks Hoshi how Ensign Junk Food is doing. Besides the clogged arteries, I mean. Hoshi says his vital signs are weak. When did she become the medical officer? We go to a shot of Junk Food. He's sitting down, screaming and crying.

ENSIGN JUNK FOOD: So, what's my motivation here?
RICK BERMAN: You're tripping. You're crazy. You're a crazy hallucinating man, but you're still honor-bound. Like that one guy…
ENSIGN JUNK FOOD: Aaron Sorkin?
RICK BERMAN: I was thinking something from Apocalypse Now but I like yours better. So just scream.
ENSIGN JUNK FOOD: Scream?
RICK BERMAN: This'll help: We're going to be on…The UPN Network.
ENSIGN JUNK FOOD: Wha --? AAAAGHHHH! NOOOOO!!!
RICK BERMAN: Let's roll film.

Captain Quantum asks Reed if he can get a lock on Junk Food. Reed starts to say that he knows this great burger joint in the Gamma Quadrant, but then he realizes he's supposed to be transporting the Ensign. He does so, bringing the screaming man onto the transporter pad. Ooh, pretty. Oh man, except for what happens next. Reed can't separate contaminants in the air from Ensign Junk Food. When Junk Food finally materializes, he's got weird spore-looking growths on his skin. Reed calls a medical emergency and goes to examine the poor bastard. We'll miss you, blue-shirted ensign.

Cave dwellers. Trip asks T'Pol what she's doing. She says she's working, using her little Palm Pilot. I bet it's Tetris. He must be jealous, because he doesn't believe she's doing real work. T'Pol says their mission was a waste of time. Trip counters by explaining that that's just what she wants them to believe. Then he takes away her Palm Pilot. She complains that it's in Vulcan and he won't understand, but Trip bets that Hoshi will back on the ship. He now believes he's uncovered evidence. Of a Tetris game. Evidence "of what?" T'Pol purrs. Trip says it's a conspiracy. T'Pol uses this as an opportunity to reveal what she's learned about humans on this little excursion. Mostly that we're volatile. Wow, what a revelation. She says humans are more dangerous than she'd believed. "Your people have been telling us this crap fer the last hundred years!" he says, raising his voice. Mayweather is like, "What? Sir?" Trip lays on a conspiracy theory that would make Matt Drudge cry bullshit. He thinks T'Pol lured them into the cave so they'd be killed and the Enterprise mission would be called off. Now, come on. Mayweather chimes in that, yeah, T'Pol did make them stay overnight and found this cave. T'Pol points out that she didn't ask Mayweather and his boyfriend to play camp-out with her. Trip starts yelling at the walls, just like at an LSD party, asking the rock creatures to show themselves. T'Pol, who looks a little nervous herself, tells Trip that there's nothing there. Trip spins and says, "Did ya see that?" Now here's where T'Pol stops being a Vulcan and starts being a former Maxim model who thinks she's within reach of an Emmy. "All I see is a delusional engineer!" T'Pol says, her voice full of, what is that now, emotion? Jiminy Christmas. "Sounds like you're getting' a little volatile yerself, Sub-Commander! I thought you had your emotions all locked up!" Trip yells. T'Pol swivels her head like it's a toy. This is like Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? but without the writing, directing or acting talent. Mayweather thinks he sees something and cries, "Commander, there!" Trip fires his phaser at the ceiling. I down a beer. Trip yells some more and in one funny moment says, "I'll blow this whole cave apart if I have to!" Yeah, and then he's gonna turn this car right around and head back to Earth. "I know YOU HEAR ME!" Trip yells. His Emmy is even further away than T'Pol's.