Strange New World

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Requiem For A Transporter Beam

On the bridge, Quantum begins to tell a big fat lie. He talks about a top-secret mission, a "silicon-based life form," and other total bunk. It's all just a story to get Trip to calm down. Trip asks why they didn't know about this before. "The mission is classified top secret, I don't ask why," Quantum says. Liar, liar! Hoshi contributes a suggestion to the lie, and Quantum tells Trip that the rock people wanted to meet with T'Pol and are now threatening to destroy Enterprise. Blah blah blah conspiracy-cakes. Dramatic music swells for no good reason. Quantum says Hoshi's going to repeat the whole story in Vulcan to T'Pol. Hoshi starts talking Vulcan. T'Pol acknowledges it. She's very sweaty. Hoshi repeats what T'Pol says: That playacting isn't a Vulcan tradition, but that she'll do her best.

T'Pol starts spreading out her arms and talking in Vulcan to the walls as an equally sweaty Trip looks on, nervously. T'Pol speaks into her communicator. "I hope she knows the difference between stun and kill," Quantum says grimly. He orders Trip to lower his weapon and act friendly. As soon as Trip does, POW! T'Pol shoots him, but good. He falls. Yay! The end is in sight! T'Pol picks up the transported medical supplies and inoculates them all with the neck gun. She pokes herself last and leans against the cavern wall. She's spent.

Next day. Gorgeous weather outside. In the cave, Trip gets up and takes a canteen of water from T'Pol. "You didn't shoot me last night, did you?" he asks T'Pol. Just another morning-after in the William S. Burroughs home. "I'm afraid I did," T'Pol says, but in a weird, sexy tone, like, "Want me to do it again?" Mayweather says he was hoping it was all a bad dream. I wish he were a bad dream. "Are they gone?" Trip asks, of the rock creatures. "They were never here," T'Pol says. "What?" Scrunchieface asks. T'Pol explains, for those that didn't catch the simplistic plot, that she was playing along with the yelling at creatures and whatnot on the Captain's suggestion. She explains it for so long that I nearly nap. She ends with restating Trip's threat of splitting her in two. Again, it's very inappropriately seductive-sounding. Trip, who looks hungover, compliments her performance. Then he tries to apologize. "You were under the influence of the pollen. We all were," T'Pol says. Oldest morning-after excuse in the book. "Challenge your preconceptions or they will challenge you," Trip tells her, repeating what a Vulcan professor, Mr. Velik, once told him in school. Trip explains that he'd never seen a Vulcan before and the guy scared him. "Perhaps it's not too late to follow his advice," T'Pol says.

Mayweather whines that he twisted his neck. He asks about Ensign Junk Food. T'Pol tells him the Captain told her that Junk Food will be fine. Well, don't that just beat all? I get the feeling we're not going to see any traditional ensign deaths on this show for a long time. The sound of the shuttle pod approaching gets the crew up. At the mouth of the cave, Ensign Scrunchieface scrunches her face against the morning sun. The shuttle flies by. Outside, over triumphant music (they triumphed over what now?), the four of them walk toward the landed shuttle. I dry heave a little.

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