Strange New World

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Requiem For A Transporter Beam

Cave. Trip asks who has the food packs. Nobody brought them. Mayweather offers to go out into the Badweather and retrieve them. Haven't these people heard of the Buddy System? Why are they letting him go alone? Ominous music plays as Ensign Junk Food points his flashlight at the wall and looks worried.

Outside, Mayweather is wondering why he volunteered for this shit-ass errand. He stumbled and falls over a rock. He looks up and sees what appears to be another crew member in the brush. "Trip!" he calls out. Wishful thinking, fella. There is no answer, and whoever it was seems to have disappeared.

Back in the cave, there are more flashlights than an average X-Files episode. Mayweather comes in and throws his food pack at Trip and says, "There's someone else out there." "I think we've had enough ghost stories for one night," Trip says, with no trace of his southern drawl. T'Pol points out that, except for stray life forms that may be gestating in her lips, the planet is uninhabited. "I saw three people," Mayweather says. Three? When did that happen? T'Pol is skeptical and suggests that maybe he imagined the whole thing. Mayweather says they looked real to him. Just then, Ensign Junk Food hears something behind him. It's all growly, like my stomach before a meal at Macaroni Grill. "There's someone back there! I heard voices!" Junk Food yells to T'Pol. An argument ensues about how safe the cave might be and whether they should leave. Oh yeah, I remember this. I liked it better when it was called Pitch Black. "Where do you propose we go? Back into the storm?" T'Pol practically purrs. "It's better than being stuck in here!" Junk Food yells back. Trip holds the guy up, but completely fails to restrain him, because Junk Food just takes off. Trip goes into their pack and grabs a phaser. He goes after Junk Food. The guy, not the actual food. T'Pol follows suit. She grabs a gun and heads into the cavern, looking for a moment just like Lara Croft. "If there's someone back there, I intend to find them," she says before taking off. Ensign Scrunchieface is left to defend herself with a puny phaser. But instead of looking like an asskicker, she just looks like Renée Zellweger holding a gun. Deeper inside the cave, T'Pol hunts around for wayward aliens.

Outside, Mayweather and Trip are calling out for Junk Food. The guy, not takeout. There's still bad weather, and as they're walking along, Trip sees a creature materialize in a big rock. It's a Monster of Rock, if you will. Trip freaks out and yells, "I saw one!" Mayweather comes by to look at Trip's rock-hard creature, but it's gone. Trip says it was part of the rock. "That would explain why it didn't show up on our scanners!" Mayweather yells over the wind. Rock creatures. Right. Instead of examining the rock or taking a sample, they just keep walking, as if rock creatures ain't nuthin' but a thang or a chicken wang.

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