Enterprise
Terra Prime (2)

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Bye, Bye, Trekkie

Mess. Hoshi talks to Mayor Tam about how the alien Coalition Conference has been postponed. Mayor Tam says that when they say "postponed," they actually mean "dead," and it's all because of Dr. Evil RoboCreep's shenanigans. All the aliens are a bit freaked out by Terryan Nation and don't really know if they want to be friends o' Earth any more. Quantum comms Hoshi to ask if Masaro is in the Mess. She looks around and says she doesn't see him. You know, Masaro may not be in the Mess but he's definitely in the shit.

Corridor. Quantum steps out of his quarters INTO THE OPEN while LOUDLY and STUPIDLY saying, "We think MASARO might be WORKING for Terra Prime. Mayor Tam may be in danger -- Reed and May-Bye-Bye-Trekkie are on their way." Could you be less covert, you muncher? God, maybe by comparison, Reed really isn't the worst at intelligence on this ship.

Mess. Hoshi tells Mayor Tam to sit tight as she looks out in the corridor and directs Reed and May-Bye-Bye-Trekkie into the Mess.

Corridor. Quantum steps onto a turbolift, but before the doors close, Masaro steps into the frame with a phaser pointed at his captain. Masaro shakes and quivers and generally acts like he's about to vomit. Quantum tries to talk him down. Masaro won't be talked down -- he's going to be a bad actor, dammit, and he's going to do it the right way! "I wanted you to know I'm sorry," Masaro shakes, "I believed in what we were doing. Tell my parents I'm sorry." How is Quantum going to tell your parents anything if you shoot him? Oh, he's shooting himself. Got it. The red shirt offs himself -- that's a bit poetic, really. As we hear the body slump to the floor, Quantum sighs. Clean up on deck five!

Sickbay. Trip has his arm in a sling -- something I missed earlier because I thought it was a religious ribbon -- and he and T'Pol stare at Elizabeth. A few feet behind them, Phlox says to a stern Quantum that he wishes he could do more. "I know," Quantum stiffs. You know, Sam Beckett would actually be crying here. I'm just pointing that out. Because, you know: HAAAAAAAATE. "When you invited me to join this crew, I thought it would be an interesting diversion for a few months -- some time away from the complications of family, which on Denobula can be extremely complicated. I didn't expect to gain another family," Phlox shakes. I'm reading all of this as Billingsley talking about being on the show, and it's very sad. All Quantum does is straighten his shoulders. "It hurts as if she's my very own child," Phlox continues, fighting back tears. Quantum puts a stiff arm on Phlox's shoulder. I wish Phlox would break that arm. Over at the incubator, Trip looks up and off into the distance. It's going to be the smallest sunglasses case ever. Aaaand I'm going to hell. Before walking over to the grieving couple, Phlox says, "Make something good come of this, Captain." Quantum furrows. Please -- I am so FUCKING sick of this show being all, "Quantum's great!" "Quantum's awesome!" "Everything Quantum touches turns to gold!" "Quantum's GOD!" Because all they ever have done is TELL us all that -- they never SHOW us! Like, what is QUANTUM going to do? Give a gazelle speech of which I know absolutely nothing -- NOTHING?! Oh, great shards, he's going to do just that, isn't he? Fuck.

Conference for the Coalition of Alien Stuff. Mayor Tam talks about making friends with the aliens in spite of Dr. Evil RoboCreep's shenanigans, and I don't pay much attention because I'm really distracted by the painting behind him, which disturbingly looks like a giant laser beam firing at a planet. It's an odd art choice. Quantum takes a seat as his crew stand behind him. That's great -- Trip and T'Pol's genetic clone died and Quantum still expects them to listen to him natter, furrow, and be generally quite annoying? Prick. Mayor Tam talks about dreams and futures and stuff. He wants to start by honoring the crew of Enterprise and all they have done. Quantum stands up. Oh, no. No speeches -- with the speeches, you truly need to stop. I can't do this -- I can't. I jam my fingers so deep in my ears, I could bite my nails, but that doesn't stop me from having to watch Quantum pace stiffly around the round conference table. Like, stand still and try to be commanding, freakshow! At some point, he appears to pause, stop talking, and look in the distance before continuing on. I can't do this. I can't. I can't. I can't. I uncover my ears in order to grab for the bottle of Gloria Ferrer to first down it and then bang my head with it, but in doing that, I catch "...that no matter how far we travel. Or how fast we get there, the most profound discoveries are not necessarily beyond that next star [No, it's true -- the most profound discoveries are BEYOND YOUR FORROWS!] -- they're within us. [Oh, GOD!] Woven into the threads that bind us [The TOUCH the FEEL of COTTON -- the FABRIC of our LIIIIIIIIIIIVES!], all of us, to each other. A final frontier [STOOOOOP!] begins in this hall. Let's explore it together!" No. No. NO! I am not going ANYWHERE with you until you remove that PETRIFIED FOREST from your ASS! And I'm not talking about the Evil Admiral, either. Quantum looks around at the delegates. Soval stands up and starts clapping -- it actually sort of starts out as a slow clap, which cracks my cracked shit up -- but in the end, I think he starts clapping because he thinks it will STOP Quantum TALKING! Everyone claps. The delegates clap. Mayor Tam claps. The Qrew claps louder. But only because Quantum ordered them to. It's sort of like that scene at the end of Lucas, but Corey Haim was far more deserving of that standing O than Quantum is.

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