Enterprise

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C | 366 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Say Goodnight, Shran

In a very cool shot of a ringed planet or moon, Enterprise zooms toward the Andorian homeworld. Reed frets all over Quantum about the dampening field surrounding the Aenar compound and how Quantum won't be able to contact the ship. In spite of this, Shran and Quantum steadfastly refuse to bring a complement of Uh-Ohs with them, because they want the Aenars to trust them. Shran and Quantum beam down to Andorinnesota. Quantum, the wimp, immediately clutches his quilted hood around his face. Shran, on the other hand, is overjoyed with the temperature. Shran takes a reading and Quantum boggles at the -28°. Bitch, please -- that's like a run-of-the-Mill-on-the-Floss Minnesotan winter. Hell, one winter in Ann Arbor, the windchill was -75° and we still went to our classes. And we liked it! Shran tells Quantum to be grateful it's the middle of summer. As they walk, Shran talks about how the cities of Andoria are built underground to take advantage of geothermal energy. Dude, that's just like the Duluth campus of the University of Minnesota! However, I do suspect that their underground tunnels are more about avoiding the wind off Lake Superior and less about the geothermal stuff. Shran brags that he didn't see the sun until he was fifteen and then falls to his knees. Quantum reminds EVERYONE that Shran still hasn't regained his balance from his recent cranial castration. They forge on through pretty blue and green lights playing off the cave set sprayed down with fake snow.

Romchester. They are twelve hours away from launching both drones. While the scientist in 2nd Romnana bristles at being called a "soldier," Val-dor-EE recalls the heady days of being a senator. Do I care? Not really. All it tells us is that Val-dor-EE was fired because he questioned whether the idea of "unlimited expansion" was the best thing for Romulans. He has now learned his lesson and will never question authority again. Because that's a healthy reaction.

In the snow caves, Shran points out holes in the ice, saying they are made by "ice spores" -- worms that live in the ice and generate heat by a chemical reaction. On their way down some steep steps, Shran falls, does a somersault, and falls some more. Quantum scampers after him. Shran lies flat on his back, legs slightly spread, and sticking out of his leg is a big, blue, glossy stalagmite. Nope. I'm not buying it -- that thing is so phallic-looking that it might as well come with AA batteries. And I'll tell you this much, from the camera angle, it sort of looks like Shran is not so much cold as he is…no. I can't go there. I REALLY can't go there. Shran braces himself and slowly, languidly, and with a lot of moaning and wet noises, lifts his body off Big Blue. Because this was his first time, Shran is losing a lot of blood. As Quantum attempts to administer first aid (you just know he's going to do something stupid like put ice on the wound), we see an Aenar skulking in the distance. She's got this gauzy veil over the bottom half of her face. Because that's warm.

Enterprise

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