The Andorian Incident

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
Scent of a Vulcan

Does anyone else harbor hopes that the Domestic Disturbance kid screaming "Dad" in his annoying adolescently-cracking voice snuffs it?

Things start to look a trifle sticky for the Enterprisers as they and the Elder Vulcan get shoved into a room with the rest of the Vulcan monks. "Stop looking at me," an Andorian crabs to Trip. "Okay, okay, don't get your antennae in a twist," Trip says. Eh. It was funny the first fifty times I saw it in the promos. Inside the new Vulcan holding pen, The Spinning Camera Shots of Rising Action start to make me nauseous. Then again, it could be Trip's acting. Another swallow of this alcoholic beverage brewed with seven herbs and spices oughta settle my stomach. Now, I'm going to make something very clear here. Despite the fact that Jeffrey Combs starred with much pomp and circumstance in this episode, I could not differentiate one Andorian from another, and since closed-captioning couldn't be arsed to give any of the Andorians names until the last five minutes of the episode -- a feature I came across only when recapping those last five minutes, approximately thirteen hours after I'd started recapping -- I am not going to bother either. One Andorian was clearly in charge, and I will refer to him as Periwinkle, but the rest can go hang themselves by their antennae as far as I'm concerned. Okay? Great. On the upside, I'll bet it's real easy for them to get fake IDs. Periwinkle asks the Elder Vulcan why he didn't tell them there was a Vulcan aboard Enterprise. "It's an Earth vessel -- I didn't know," Elder Vulcan tells him. Blue Streak asks what Earth is. Quantum tells them Earth is where they're from: "It's our home world." Blue Moon asks why they came to P'Jem, and when Quantum pauses, Blue in the Face screams, "Answer me, pigskin!" I start to ponder what intricate relevance football could have to Star Trek until I realize that he said "pink-skin." D'oh! Quantum gives the implausible explanation that they were just passing by and thought they'd drop in for a visit. The Bluebloods don't believe him, and ask if they are a supply ship bringing the Vulcans more surveillance equipment. Quantum tells them he's not bringing the Vulcans anything, and the Blue Cheeses point out that he brought T'Pol. "She's my Science Officer," Quantum explains. "So you admit you're working with the Vulcans?" Periwinkle asks. Quantum says that he'll admit he has a Vulcan Science Officer, and that he came only out of curiosity. And to buy some flannel P'Jemas, of course. Quantum bombastically asks the Blue Chips what in tarnation they're doing there. Big mistake with the bombastic idea. The Blue Jay closest to Quantum sniggers, then belts him some gratuitous violence in the stomach. Trip says, "He's telling the truth, we came here for a visit." Gratuitously Violent Blue Crab comments that their ship carries a heckuva lot of armory for simply being an accidental tourist. Periwinkle does the Dance of the Seven Paranoids and tells them that they have long suspected the Vulcans have been using P'Jem as a place to spy on their home world. One of the Blue Notes oozes up to T'Pol and says, "I'll enjoy having you. [pause for maximum icky effect] As a prisoner." Quantum tries to look outraged, but has some difficulty, since he's still gasping from being sucker-punched. The Blueprints leave. "Now these guys are agitated," Trip the Court Jester comments.

Quantum goes into a fresh bout of obvious groaning. Trip hustles to his side and helps him to the ground. Quantum looks at T'Pol, who says, "They're Andorians, Captain. They're known for their suspicious and volatile nature." A youngish Vulcan elucidates further, telling them that the Blue Jeans are from a neighboring system and have resented the Vulcans' superior motor skills and cable modems for years. "They even believe that we intend to mount an invasion on their home world," T'Pol explains. Elder Vulcan tells Quantum and Trip that the two species drew up a treaty to soothe the Delft Blues' ruffled feathers, but some of the Aqua factions were still suspicious and believed the Vulcans were going to conquer them. Trip wonders aloud why the Turquoises want such a Methuselahian temple. "They believe we are hiding a long-range sensor array," Elder Vulcan tells him. Quantum looks up at him suspiciously. "This is a place of introspection, Captain. There are no spies here and no technology." Elder Vulcan tells him. Everyone who believes that line can leave the room right now. "So what are you gonna do -- just sit here and let them ransack the place?" Trip asks. A younger Vulcan tells him, "Typically, they make a great display of their indignance. When they find nothing, they leave." Elder Vulcan chimes in, telling them that the Blue Plates have paid them surprise visits twice and both times left within twenty-four hours, but "unfortunately, your arrival has amplified their suspicions." So the Vulcan High Command just allows these constant invasions of a holy site by the Blue Collars to go on and on? That doesn't make much sense. "You've endangered us all," Vulcan the Younger tells them (ear)pointedly. Trip rolls his eyes and makes a comment about no good deed going unpunished or something.

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