The Andorian Incident

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
Scent of a Vulcan

Down on the planet's surface, two Cornflowers report that they've searched all the rooms in the eastern tower. Periwinkle asks if they've checked the living quarters -- they haven't, so they scuttle off. "Perhaps if we decapitate one or two of those monks he'll start telling us the truth," Periwinkle says to the other Blue Ridges in the room. Quantum insists that he's telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Back in their holding pen, Elder Vulcan asks T'Pol how long she's been on Enterprise. "Nine weeks and four days," T'Pol tells him. "The smell must be intolerable," Elder Vulcan says. "You get used to it," T'Pol tells him, "and I was given a nasal numbing agent." This episode brought to you by Nasanot. Humans may smell, but you don't have to.

Quantum gets thrown into the room, and Trip rushes to his side. "Whose idea was it to visit this place?" Quantum groans as Trip soaks a cloth in water to dab at his Captain's fisticuffed face. Quantum tells the Vulcans that the K-mart Blue Light Specials are going to start killing them if they don't get what they want. Elder Vulcan says there's nothing there for the Navy Blues to get. Quantum informs him the Blue Spruces aren't buying it, "not this time." Turning to Trip, Quantum says, "Looks like there are four of them. I saw some kind of scanning console. They talk a lot about searching rooms." "You'd think they could find whatever they're looking for with those antennae of theirs," Trip comments. Not unless they're looking for inchworms. Anyone remember that song Big Bird sang to Slimy the Worm on Sesame Street? Mathra starts to warble, "Inchworm, inchworm. Measuring the marigolds, you and your arithmetic will probably go far..." No? Well, the antennae remind me of that. Quantum tells everyone that the Evil Blue Man Group answered a com from Enterprise and told Reed he'd kill them if any rescue was attempted. T'Pol comments, "Mr. Reed wouldn't be that reckless." "I didn't recruit my tactical officer to sit on his butt when he's threatened," Quantum says, struggling to his feet so he can't be accused of sitting on his butt. "The Andorians smashed our communicators. The longer we're out of contact the more likely Malcolm will put together a landing party. Warning or no warning." Trip says, "Knowing him, a heavily-armed landing party." Quantum says it's just a matter of time. Yes, but Billy Joel would say it's all just a matter of trust. And some might have learned to adjust. But you'll walk away a fool or a king. "So if anyone has any suggestions," Quantum says, still breathing hard -- what's with him, asthma? "I'm all ears." He looks around. "No offense," he says. Wait, wait, don't tell me! The Vulcan's have pointier ears than humans, so that's why the comment about being all ears is supposed to be funny? Ahh. I see. Because making fun of another species is hi-friggin'-larious. Sheesh, get some sensitivity; I think it comes in gel caps now. Elder Vulcan tells Quantum they have "an option." Apparently the monks have a very old transmitter. "You said you had no technology," Quantum says, all suspicious. Elder Vulcan tells them, "It hasn't been used for many years -- it may not even be working." Trip says, "I never met a busted radio I couldn't fix." "Where is this transmitter?" Quantum wheezes. Elder and Younger Vulcan exchange a look, and Vulcan the Younger says, "In the catacombs." "Catacombs?" Trip repeats. Elder Vulcan tells them they have secret catacombs where they keep their most sacred relics, their honored dead, the usual stuff you don't want to deal with until you have to move temples. Elder Vulcan goes over to a statuette and says, "If the Andorians discover them, they will damage our culture in ways you cannot begin to understand." Elder Vulcan turns the statuette and pushes back the wall. "For people without emotions, you sure have a flair for the dramatic," Trip says, taking a torch from Vulcan the Younger. I just had an ingenious thought that would be Trip shutting up now. Trip and Vulcan the Younger enter the secret passage.

The catacombs are suspiciously cave-like. My, they're getting a lot of mileage out of that set. Trip obediently follows Vulcan the Younger, stopping at one point to look at three curious looking holes in the distance. They kind of look like two eyes and a mouth...seems sort of familiar...hmmm. Trip gets distracted by various other relics and cobwebs before running smack into an upright mummified Vulcan. He's a bit startled. It's just a bit too Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for me. Not that it's scary. More that it sucks. "Master Haadock," Vulcan the Younger tells Trip, "one of the founders of P'Jem. The transmitter's this way." Trip follows, mumbling a jaunty "fellas" to the mummies. I wish one of them would lunge at him Boris-Karloff-style. Finally, in the deepest of dark and dusty corners, they find the transmitter. And it's a Mac Classic. Before turning his attention to the duty at hand, Trip decides to look at another curious structure -- two golden pieces of wood forming a pointed arch on the wall. "What's down there?" he asks. "The reliquary," Vulcan the Younger answers, "our most sacred artifacts are kept there [and the Vulcan McDonald's]. This is the transmitter." Trip hands Vulcan the Younger his torch and examines the dusty piece of equipment. He puts his foot up against it -- it helps him think better -- and rips the back off. "Looks like a krellide power cell," Trip says, blowing dust off of the motherboard.

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