The Augments (3)

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Wrath Of Retcon

Sickbay. T'Pol logs that they evacuated Cold Station 12 and that the Captain shows no sign of thawing. Well, maybe she says "infection," but the footnote in her log says "thawing." The team discusses going after Dain'ta and the Khannabees with out being detected. "I culd paint a Bird-of-Prey on the hull," Trip says. No, that's what the Romulans do, jackass. Don't even TRY to make me believe that they will attempt to credit Trip with that invention. Shut up, Trip. Quantum's got a bad case of freezer burn around the eyes. They decide to fake a Klingon warp signature. T'Pol says that Dr. Lucas and his crew want to return to the station and begin the decon immediately. "That's quite a mess they have to clean up," Trip comments. Yeah, they gotta wipe down that bloody tube. I'm so going to hell for that. "Dr. Lucas estimates it will take more than a year," T'Pol adds. Phlox does this weird double-take that is never explained. Maybe he wants to stay behind to help his lover?

Dain'ta gives instructions where they are to go once they get through Klingon space. "The Klingons call it Klack d'Kel Brakt," Dain'ta turns to deliver the Let's Just Work in a Reference to Every Possible Trek Movie anvil, and adds, "I like to call it The Briar Patch. It's a little catchier, don't you think?" Br'er Khannabenigma cocks his big ugly head and duhs, "The Briar Patch?" "You should have read more of the books I left you," Br'er Dain'ta tsks. And watched more of the Disney videos, evidently. Instead all they've been doing is searching the web for blog rumors about Khan and downloading Netflix copies of The Blue Lagoon onto their TiVo. As Khannabenigma looks chastened, Dain'ta turns back to the viewscreens. This Klingon viewscreen is so weird -- it shows really low-tech graphics, yet it has smoke wisping over them. "The region is flooded with radiation from supernova remnants. The Klingons have never mapped it but there are signs of at least two habitable planets. It's unlikely anyone will find us," Dain'ta goes on. Hm, the "Briar Patch" entry in The Star Trek Encyclopedia says, "The Briar Patch was full of supernova remnants...and low-levels of metaphasic radiation." It's like the guy who wrote that book works for the show or something. Mullet is angry at the fact that Dain'ta wants to hide. Again. Dain'ta reminds him that the Khannabeggs need a safe environment to mature, grow, and get ugly. Mullet argues that Starfleet won't give up so easily and will send more ships after them: "This gas cloud won't protect us!" No, but it might end up making you less loathsome -- remember what it did or is doing for the Ba'ku? Maybe Dain'ta would even start to notice that his boobs had gotten firmer. Sadly, Quantum's way too stiff to mambo in a red wrap-around shirt. Dain'ta indulges Mullet and patiently asks him what course he would set. "I'm not certain," Mullet says. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL STUPID! God. What Mullet does know is that running away isn't the answer. "Are you familiar with the name Botany Bay?" Mullet asks. Botany Bay? Botany BAY? Oh, NO! We've got to get out of here! Dain'ta looks down. "It's a penal colony on the shores of Australia," Jennifer "Dawsonella" Khannolly announces. First of all, she's stupid. Second of all, "penal." Heh heh heh. "It's also the name of a pre-warp vessel launched at the end of the Great Wars," Mullet explains, "The ship carried many of our brethren, including Khan Noonien Singh." And then my head explodes. "Botany Bay is a myth," Dain'ta says, "There's no evidence it ever existed." Man, where's Snopes when you need it? "All records of the launch were destroyed -- they didn't want to be followed," Mullet argues. Okay, if all records were destroyed then how the HELL did YOU know about it? YOU, who have NEVER been to Earth! YOU, who grew up on some DISTANT ISOLATED PLANET! How do YOU know about it? Yeah, and Mullet's probably heard of Chekov as well, even though he wasn't on board the ship at the time! Just stop. Don't even try.

The Evil Dr. Mathra: And here's another thing -- why does your name sound soooo much like Khan's, huh, Father? I've always wondered that!

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