The Augments (3)

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Wrath Of Retcon

Keckler: Uh, his name's not Noonien, it's Arik.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Oh.

Dain'ta says that even if all the galaxy legends are true, the ship was lost. "Exactly my point," Mullet wanks, "Khan was a great leader, but he made one fatal mistake. He ran from his enemies rather than face them." Oh, no. Oh, NO -- you do NOT get to talk shit about Khan! Don't even go there, you Gene Rottenberry. "He's not worthy to buff Khan's pecs," Gytha adds. This whole time Dawsonella is looking more and more unattractive. I think it's because she's not standing with a superior posture and it is so very unflattering. "Okay, here's the deal: Dain'ta hears the name 'Noonien' and thinks it has a nice ring to it, so later, when he has real kid of his own, he decides giving his kid that name would be a fitting tribute to these freaks and then it becomes a family name," the Evil Dr. Mathra announces. And that, my friends, proves just how stupid wanking is. By the way, how is Dain'ta ever going to pass along his actual genes to Data's line if he's incarcerated? Don't tell me Data's great-great-grandwhatever was one of those women who freakishly fall in love with convicted criminals and then marry them, so they can have conjugal visits. Because, ew. Dain'ta finally shuts Mullet down for good and says they are going to the Briar Patch whether he likes it or not. Okay, I think you're being a little bit weird about your "Briar Patch." I mean, no one's going to want to go to a place with that name. Call it "Antares Maelstrom" and maybe they'll want to go. "I'll be in my lab," Dain'ta announces, and leaves. Wait, how did he have time to make a lab? Klingons don't care about science, they don't have labs. Oh, he tasks me!

Bridge. Quantum walks on. "I wasn't aware the doctor had discharged you," T'Pol says. "He didn't," Quantum says. Because he's just so hardcore. They're holding position on the Klingon border, and Trip confirms that they will now look like a Klingon battle cruiser to the Khannabee sensors. However, they won't if they get within eighty thousand kilometers. May-Cantaloop takes them in.

Dain'ta's "Lab." Mullet enters and mentions that he's there at Dain'ta's summons. Dain'ta reprimands him for constantly challenging his authority in front of everyone. Before Dain'ta can wallow too much in his abandonment guilt, Mullet quickly changes the subject and asks after the embryos. Dain'ta says they will be ready to incubate in a few hours. "You're modifying its DNA," Mullet notes. Dain'ta says he's removing all aggression and violent behavior. "You're changing its personality," Mullet says. Yes, just like he did to you. Unfortunately, in your case, the microscopic laser-scalpel slipped and he lopped off your pretty genes. Dain'ta and Mullet argue whether Dain'ta has the right to tamper with the genomes. "You don't know if this is a defect -- maybe this is the way our creators wanted us to be!" Mullet mewls. "Father, you're wanted on the Bridge," Dawsonella comms. I think Mullet and Dain'ta are having what is called a khanflict of interest. Buckle up, people, I've got a whole bag of those right next to my case of beer and it's gonna be a long night!

Dain'ta stalks onto the Bridge. Dawsonella thinks a Klingon ship is approaching. "Let's see them," Dain'ta orders. The viewscreen shows us Enterprise. Well, so much for Quantum's plan. It worked for all of the time it took the Khannabees to get a visual on their viewscreen.

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