Who am I, you ask? More specifically, what kind of geek am I? ["The hot, not-fired kind!" -- Sars] Don't worry. I'm one of you. That is to say, I'm into Trek. But an aversion to Scott Bakula -- or Count Chocula, as I like to call him -- plus the fact that this latest offering to the Trek franchise blows donkey, means I barely know the characters' proper names. I mean, I know it's supposed to be a prequel to the original series, and that they used to have a stupid beagle which was in fact the first dog in space, but I've only seen Enterprise a few times and god does it ever suck. So, gentle reader, bear with me if I make up nicknames for characters any fan knows. And please, laugh at the jokes.
The Bridge. The music is already tense and poundy as we see a control panel whir and make a noise that is space-geek talk for "all is clearly not well." The British guy says the ship being identified on his monitor doesn't even seem to have a warp signature. T'Pol says flatly that it's approaching at warp six. So, um, no warp signature, eh? British Guy looks properly de-pantsed. Count Chocula stands up and says, possibly about nothing in particular, "How big is it?" Oh, it's so big. I've never seen one that big. Not in my hand, anyway. Oh, sorry, I thought I was recapping Sex & The City again. Anyway, British Guy says that it, meaning the ship, is in fact big. Five hundred meters across. Ooh, baby. The "beer can," or ship, comes within visual range and is put on the screen. Boy, is it zooming ever-menacingly towards them. Count Chocula asks T'Pol if it looks familiar. She says it's "not in the Vulcan database." She had time to check? And the Beer Can doesn't respond when hailed. Oooh! No it di'in't. Apparently it doesn't even have a transceiver on board. Oh, snap! The Beer Can is gaining on the Enterprise; then without a doubt it swallows them up. Then it burps and licks its lips.
Theme song of pain. I wonder if the guy that wrote this dreck (sorry, Diane Warren, usually you can do no wrong) used car commercials as inspiration. You know, "OH-OOOHH, LIKE A ROCK!!" That, and Rod Stewart's '80s "hits." Here's the lyrics:
It's been a looong roooad...
Gettin' from there to heeere.
It's been a long time...but my time is finally near!
And I will see my dream come alive at last.
I will touch the sky and they're not gonna hold me down no mo', no they're not gonna change mah mind!
Cause I got fa-yaith! Of the heaaar-arrt!