Big props to Gytha Ogg for the index page headline, and for then inspiring the homepage headline.
We're on Vulcan, and it's seventeen years ago. Deep in some caverns (CAVE SET!), Ind'iana Jones ferrets around in the dust while holding a lightsaber for light. He picks up a small stone bust and dusts it off with one of those special archaeology makeup brushes. "Surak," he breathes. All he needs is a bag of sand of the same weight and Alfred Molina drooling in the background.
Warren bastard! You killed my song!
Admiral Forrest makes an entry in his Diary of Evil, saying that he's on Vulcan to see if the Vulcans want to start taking road trips with Starfleet. Apparently, Vulcan promises to pull over at Wall Drug as long as Starfleet stays on its side of the car. They're still discussing what songs will be allowed, however, and that's really been the stumbling block in these negotiations. Starfleet wants campfire oldies, but Vulcan is insisting on Broadway show tunes. Oh, and Forrest's first name is "Maxwell," and if that isn't proof that he's evil then I don't know what is. As the Evil Admiral Forrest (no relation to my husband) tries to pump Soval for information, he learns that Soval has been kept in the dark about the negotiations as well. Soval decides to tell Forrest exactly what Vulcans think of humans: "You have the arrogance of Andorians, the stubborn pride of Tellarites -- one moment you're as driven by your emotions as Klingons and the next you confound us by suddenly embracing logic." Well, there's only one thing to do after a speech like that -- one of them has to die. They go through a security retinal scan. You know, with just a minor altering of letters, that could be "rectal scan." That's what I call tight security. The Evil Admiral Forrest realizes that Vulcans are afraid of humans. "There is one species you remind us of," Soval says. Wait, "one"? He just listed three. "Vulcans!" the Evil Admiral Forrest crows. Soval gives us a mini-back story of fifteen hundred years of wars, embracing logic, and developing warp. "You humans do the same in less than a century. There are those on the High Command who wonder what humans will achieve in the century to come and they don't like the answer." The Evil Admiral Forrest insists that they aren't like the Klingons, which...seems neither to support nor blow apart Soval's argument, and says they only want to be partners with the Vulcans. Oh, so that's how he feels about Soval. There's a distant boom, and the Evil Admiral Forrest whips around, assesses something, and then turns and tackles Soval to the ground. Yup, that's how he feels about Soval. There's an explosion that busts a big hole in the Earth embassy on Vulcan.