Quantum's Fortress of Solitude. Quantum plays with a telescope and Rear Windows into the villa next door. I wish. He's actually looking at the stars. Does he have ANY other interests? Kayla calls up and wants to know if Quantum's busy with anything other than being the antidote to insomnia. She asks him to show her what he's looking at, and Quantum invites her up. To see his stars. Quantum adjusts his telescope (and I'm not speaking euphemistically), and they do some stargazing, Quantum shows her where Earth is, and I fall asleep in my bottle. When I wake up, I notice that Kayla's sporting a serious Kirk's Alien Lay Of The Week 'Do. What with the sixties hair, Trip and Reed's Miami Vice suits, and the bad pick-up lines all around, I'm beginning to think this is Retro Night and someone forgot to warn me to put on my rubber bracelets and lace gloves. Kayla comments that Quantum "is a long way from home," and Quantum admits that it's the farthest any of his "people" have ever gone. Nobel Laureate that she is, Kayla deduces that Quantum's an explorer. "I wouldn't be surprised if they're naming schools after you on your world," she says. "Kindercare, maybe!" Mathra snorts. Quantum preens at this and finally asks if Kayla can show him where she's from. Kayla tells him she has a really bad sense of direction -- she even got lost in the lobby coming back to the villa this afternoon. Quantum jokes, "Well, I can see how that would happen. I mean, it's at least a hundred meters from here." "And all the villas look the same," Kayla jokes back. "You just gotta notice the subtle differences," Quantum says. "Like the numbers on the doors!" Kayla deduces. "Now you're catching on," Quantum smiles. "Give me a couple of hours, I could have you navigating a starship." And therefore give May-whiz even less to do. Kayla asks Quantum to tell her about all the places he's been, promising, "We'll get to the starship navigation later." Aw, that ain't nothin' but drugstore lovin'.
Studio Y2K. Techno beat; unibrowed aliens walking around with tri-breasted aliens. Trip and Reed chat up their individual Risan babes with their exploits from Enterprise. It seems that they are just coming to the end of their "Shuttlepod One" story; Trip recounts the brilliant conclusion, and Reed slurs that it was his idea to light their butts on fire. "Why don'sh yous tell'em abouts the time you saved Enterprise, in your underwears," Reed garbles. Heh. Trip turns to his chick and tells her that he saved the Captain's life. "I thought you were the Captain," Reed's chick says. "We rotate," Trip says, nonchalantly. "He's the captain next week." Shout-out. Reed nods and does a weird and clumsy two-fingered salute. Trip's chick wants to know if they've visited the subterranean gardens yet. Since they haven't gotten lucky yet, which means they haven't left this bar, the two Wild And Crazy Guys have to answer in the negative. "All the plants that grow there are luminescent," Reed's chick says. Plants are simply tarts -- prostitutes for the bees! Trip says, "Mebbe yew could show us." The chicks get up and invite them to follow, which they do because they both have the IQ of a backwards clam. Quick tally: anyone else getting that dum-dum-DUM! feeling? The chicks lead them into the club's wine cellar, explaining that the gardens "are very secluded." They get downstairs, and one of the chicks asks how much starship captains make. Reed and Trip are stymied. "What kind of valuables do you have?" Reed's chick rephrases. The Frat Boys finally catch on, and as Reed scuffs at the ground, Trip says he thinks there's been a misunderstanding. The chicks look at each other and morph into really ugly aliens. More effective than a cold shower, that is. Trip and Reed jump and grab at each other. Connor Trinneer's reaction is really quite priceless. In fact, I rewound it several times. Just for that, I think he's growing on me. Conversely, after this episode and all the T'Pol Bum talk, Reed can just take his Pinky Tuscadero L'Oreal lipstick and become a Trappist monk for all I care. Eh, I'll just hand him off to lis. Although I think her love has begun to sicken and decay, as well. Oh, Reed, most choice forsaken, and most lov'd despis'd! Have I mentioned that I'm proofreading the next Bartlett's Famous Quotations?