The One With The Salamander Sex
In the sh'pod, Janeway slowly regains consciousness. She looks at the windshield and realizes that they're doing warp ten. Everything goes white except for my martini, which is still marvelously clear.
Chakotay logs that it took them three days to locate the sh'pod, but that they finally found it in an uninhabited star system. In Sickbay, the Doctor reports that he's finally figured out what was going on with Parisite. "The mutations we observed are natural," the Doctor wows us. Chakotay boggles at this. "The changes in his DNA are consistent with the evolutionary development of the human genotype observed over the past four million years -- increased brain capacity, the loss of vestigial organs." Tuvok restates the problem: "Are you saying that Lt. Paris is evolving?" That's exactly what the Doctor is saying. HE THREW UP HIS TONGUE! The only problem is, instead of the evolution happening naturally over the course of what is, one hopes, billions upon billions of years, Parisite "evolved" in twenty-four hours. Traveling at infinite velocity accelerated the evolutionary process: "It's possible that Mr. Paris represents a future stage in human development. Although I can't say it's very attractive." Yeah, seriously. If that's our future, it looks mighty slimy. The Doctor says that he can return Parisite to normal by increasing the anti-proton treatment. And by increasing the restraints, I hope. Kim comms that he thinks he's found the sh'pod in an equator-flanking jungle on one of the planets. More moist places. This doesn't bode well.
A security team prepares to beam down to the jungle. The camera pans past ferns, water, and other jungley issues. It finally comes to rest on a humongous pinkish slug thing with black spackles on its back. No wait, make that two humongous pinkish slug things with black spackles on their backs. Where's my saltshaker? Chittering, clacking, and clicking fill the air as the humongous pinkish slug things nestle contentedly in the sand. I'll be frank with you -- I don't really know what I was expecting in this episode. On some level, I don't think I was expecting the whole salamander thing to get any more out of hand than Geordi's weird Day-Glo veins in "Identity Crisis." I thought it would be more on par with "Genesis," when Worf turned into Predator and spit poison in Crusher's eye. That was a happy episode. Truth be told, I really didn't expect full-on, flapping catfish-slugs. Like, slugs, people! AND TONGUES MY GOD THE TONGUES!