The One With The Salamander Sex
Mess. Neelix pours coffee and informs the non-caring Torres and Paris that it's a new blend he's named "Paris Delight." When Paris doesn't react, Neelix -- always in need of attention -- leans over and says, "It's in honor of you." Paris recalls himself and gives Neelix the barest of thanks. Neelix snits off. Maybe he'd be more responsive if you gave the coffee a name that actually had some balls, dude. Instead of a namby "This reminds of that little café in Gary, Indiana" name, call that shit "Warp Ten" or "Infinite Velocity." I know I'd stop hitting my snooze button for a big ol' cup of Infinite Velocity, I'll tell you what. Paris swigs his coffee and makes a face, gagging that he wishes Neelix would name something after him that tastes better. Torres sips her coffee and finds nothing objectionable about it. As Paris technochats about what all they need to do with the calibrating and shit, he pauses and looks nauseated. He doesn't think Paris Delight is actually delighting Paris, and eventually falls right down on to the floor, groaning. When Torres reaches him, we can see that Paris has developed varicose veins ON HIS HEAD! Torres can't get Paris beamed to Sickbay because the transporter dude says that Paris's pattern keeps changing and he can't get a lock. I think the transporter dude was being lazy and just didn't want to put down his sandwich right then, so he was all, "Yep. Can't...quite get a lock. His pattern's changing all over the place. Tell you what, I'll try again later, 'kay?" Then he grumbled to himself that there's always a "medical emergency" right when he's in the middle of his favorite hot Delvian pastrami on Risa.
Sickbay. Paris is in serious trouble. The Doctor thinks he's having an allergic reaction, but upon learning that all he ingested was some of Neelix's coffee, he snarks, "It's a miracle he's still alive." He activates the arch-y scanner thing on the medi-bed and determines that Paris is definitely having an allergic reaction to the coffee but -- and here's the kicker -- it's the water in the coffee that's making him get all itchy-scratchy. DUN! The Doctor is stymied, and notes that all of Paris's biochemistry is changing. Paris begins gasping quite insistently, so the Doctor scans him some more and determines that the alveoli in his lungs are mutating and can no longer process oxygen. The Doctor orders Torres out of the examination theater, erects an isolation field, and sucks all the oxygen out of the theater, replacing it with nitrogen and acidichloride. Paris's breathing improves. The Doctor doesn't know exactly what is going on with Paris, but he's certain that it has something to do with him being everywhere at once. Paris, afraid again that people are forgetting he is there, starts screaming. The Doctor determines that his cellular membranes are deteriorating. "He's dying," the Doctor states. Turning to Torres, he commands her to bring him all the information concerning what went down on the Cochrane.