Next morning, the grounds crew is working as Eric leaves the guest house to visit the house proper. There's a baseball mitt, lacrosse sticks, and a football scattered on the porch steps, because some intern likes to do his job half-assedly. To underscore the innocent boyish nature of the Funky Bunch -- or maybe just Eric -- there's also a soccer goal in the yard. See it? Next to the giant plastic ibix? Eric kicks the soccer ball in order to impress one of the landscapers, and ends up thwunking another one, and feeling bad about it. Of course, he knows all their names -- not because anyone with half a brain would, but because he's the heart of the Funky Bunch who has not let fame go to his blah blah blah saintcakes. In the kitchen ("Hi, Blanca!") Kevin asks him how things went in a creepy Deliverance voice: "How'd it go last night, boy?" Yikes. Eric gently tries to dissuade him from the topic, because it's tacky, and Kevin takes this seriously: "I fucked like a puma." Which is funny for two reasons. Number one, what? And number two, the only reason you're famous in my house? Is because you're the last thing Kim saw on 24 before she was caught in a bear trap and menaced by a puma. Or, as we call it in my house, a "catamount." Turtle says something inordinately gross and creepy about his exploits, which causes my friend Anna to say aloud, "I want to fuck that guy up" in this, like, chilling tone.
Don't sweat it, though, quoth Turtle, because he gave her a pair of Vince's jeans. This is icky. Vince comes into the room and Eric, good boy that he is, immediately starts in with telling Vince to read the Matterhorn script, because "Ari's going nuts." Vince is like, "I know, he just called." Eric and Vince have a conversation where Eric tries to avoid Vince simply handing him his entire brain for good, but to no avail. If Eric didn't like it, Vince reasons, "Fuck it then. What do I gotta read it for?" Eric half-heartedly tries to put forth the idea that Vince will bring something unique to his reading of the script, but we and Vince both know that is not true. And frankly, so does Eric. Kevin wonders whether Eric noticed any parts he might be able to play while reading it. Everybody ignores him. Of course. "What you like, I like," explains Vince. "I mean, look at last night." I start to get really creeped out by that because I assume it has to do with the sibling tramps or something. Vince makes his way across the kitchen to Turtle and they bop fists, cementing my terror and disgust. "I think we got a hit." What the hell? Did I...oh, they're talking about the Jessica Alba movie. You know, my brain doesn't normally go to a place like that. Like, automatically. I think it's my brain trying to fill in the blanks as far as what was here before Brenda Hampton or whatever drooling, boring moron got ahold of the script in which things actually, you know, happened. This is the pilot, people. Something should have happened by now. Something compelling, or interesting, or hardcore, or...I don't know. Something where people talked and moved around in front of a camera and it was entertaining.