Entourage
Entourage

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | 1025 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
I [HEART]...the HELL?

Ari asks Eric to dinner. "Hello, sheep. I see that you are new to this field. Do you like my suit? It's real lambs wool. Let's sit down over cocktails and then I can eat you, starting with your head." Eric is taken in. "That sounds great. I love what you've done with this parlor, spider. Why don't I have a seat in this web of deceit and malice and we can discuss plans for the future. Oooh, that's a little sticky." Eric is so sweet and vulnerable and dumb here, because he actually thinks that Ari has all of sudden in the last six seconds gone to respecting Eric's opinion, out of nowhere, and wants to get his input. Kevin asks if he and the PP should go along too and Vince, perhaps sensing the fact that he just handed out his entire supply of spine, borrows it for a second to get weird and intense all in Kevin's grill: "What is this? A Sweet Sixteen?" No, it's your artistic Sweet Thirteen. And shut up, Vince. You make no sense. He hands back the spine because he's done using it for that nonsensical line. "This is my career. Let Eric handle it." So that was the punchline toward which we've been laboring since the dinner plans got made? Is that all there is to the joke? Yes. The dog has arrived.

It's barking at them in the driveway, where they've left it in its cage because, utterly predictably, it's insane. This is why I never buy dogs from my drug dealer. And the calves? Not that hot. The usual stuff with a crazy dog happens where they make kissy-kissy faces away from Vince's ass for once, and when Kevin gets close, it jumps and moves the crate and they all jump back and are all "whoa" and yell at each other and are scared and Vince rubs his scruffy chin reflectively, you know, like people always do when they're thinking, as you've seen in real life, and makes a "sneaky" face and there's a "lingerie party at the mansion on Thursday," apparently, though what lingerie and what mansion, we'll never know, and what is a lingerie party? And then the gardeners -- who are still there because they work all the time -- are watching bemusedly because the PP is wearing a hockey uniform and the boys are on a balcony and they pull a rope and the cage opens and the dog attacks Turtle and they laugh and laugh. The music for this scene is "Cold Hard Bitch," by Jet, which is almost timely but can be explained by the fact that the producers bought that album the first time they heard "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" because it was so, so awesome and catchy and original and they were afraid they'd never, ever hear it again. And the guys are still laughing. Of course, what they don't know is that while they were getting the hockey suit, I sent Halle Berry up to loosen the bolts on the balcony, so then I'm the only one laughing because they all fall down to their terrible deaths and take their last breaths in a final gay embrace, covered in blood and stucco. And then Halle Berry explains that she did it for black women, and then lists all the black women she can think of, especially her mom.

Entourage

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