Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
I [HEART]...the HELL?

Off the roof of their plumbing-lacking mansion, Kevin is hitting golf balls. He tools it up about golf and stuff and knocks a ball onto the next mansion over, with those red Spanish tiles that were all the rage in Hollywood back in 1978 when this started filming. "Next time, aim west. I don't need Ed Begley rolling up here in his electric car again," grumbles Eric. And it's cute and funny, especially if you pretend Ed Begley is relevant. Kevin says it's actually Pierce Brosnan's house. Was that a joke? Is Pierce Brosnan going to be showing up at some point? I can't stand his ass. I love The Thomas Crown Affair and everything, but I'll tell you a secret: he's not acting. Anytime you've seen him on camera, you've seen him sleazing it up in his usual way. Now that the UK's joined the EU, we're allowed to call him "Eurotrash," right? Yes. If the nasty smirk fits ...

Turtle heard the number four million, and his first thought was "G-5 jet." So I'm guessing the Tarzan rope swing in the pool was his idea. Turtle and Kevin have a pointless fight that's intended for the slow among us, in order to bring them up to speed, that "Black Hack" is not, in fact, a super-villain, but is instead a drug-, and apparently dog-, and jet-dealer. Are we all on the same page? Turtle says he likes the idea for Matterhorn, and Eric points out that four years ago, Turtle thought it was a "cool idea" for Vince to take a role on Guiding Light, and how if they'd listened to him then, "we'd all be working for some loser on a soap" and I didn't understand for a second that he was referring to Vince. So he thinks they're all "working" for Vince. Which -- not that he's not doing a good job, whatever his "work" entails -- kind of makes me question his understanding of the term "work." Kevin takes offense, of course, because he's "up for a soap." To no purpose except to provide a pretext for more pointless bullshit, Turtle starts talking about how Vince was predestined for fame because he's a triple threat because he has the look and he has the talent and he has "the head." Eric -- you jerk -- says, "The what?" So here we are again, and Turtle is going to explain something again. And I hate again. "The giant head. The bigger the head, the bigger the star." And he lists like eight people with big heads and big careers.

I think the writers were like, "We need some Tarantino. What are some theories? Can we talk about how those guys on Top Gun were gay?" and somebody was like, "Somebody did that already. But good idea. Everybody meet back here tomorrow with some funny lecture things we can do about Hollywood. Like that Tae-Bo of Steve movie, with like rules and lists and things. People go nuts for that. It's clever and shit," and then they all went to Hooters and got plowed and then the next day nobody had anything so they wrote all this shit in like twenty minutes on index cards, and then the guy who came up with the idea was like, "Let's discuss," and they picked the forty best and dropped these things at random throughout this awful, awful episode which is thirty minutes long and they were like, "How can we make the fact that this happens in every scene a little more organic?" and the guy was like, "Um, you haven't written any scenes yet. Like here with the golfing, the script breakdown just has a blank box with the words 'Giant Heads' written in and you'd said you'd sketch that in later. We're going to have to seamlessly maneuver the conversation to the point where we can introduce the lecture and nobody knows we didn't have anything else to do in this scene, because we already got paid by HBO and I spent it all on a rope swing over my pool." And the other guys were like, We will do it.

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