Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
I [HEART]...the HELL?

Ari asks Eric to dinner. "Hello, sheep. I see that you are new to this field. Do you like my suit? It's real lambs wool. Let's sit down over cocktails and then I can eat you, starting with your head." Eric is taken in. "That sounds great. I love what you've done with this parlor, spider. Why don't I have a seat in this web of deceit and malice and we can discuss plans for the future. Oooh, that's a little sticky." Eric is so sweet and vulnerable and dumb here, because he actually thinks that Ari has all of sudden in the last six seconds gone to respecting Eric's opinion, out of nowhere, and wants to get his input. Kevin asks if he and the PP should go along too and Vince, perhaps sensing the fact that he just handed out his entire supply of spine, borrows it for a second to get weird and intense all in Kevin's grill: "What is this? A Sweet Sixteen?" No, it's your artistic Sweet Thirteen. And shut up, Vince. You make no sense. He hands back the spine because he's done using it for that nonsensical line. "This is my career. Let Eric handle it." So that was the punchline toward which we've been laboring since the dinner plans got made? Is that all there is to the joke? Yes. The dog has arrived.

It's barking at them in the driveway, where they've left it in its cage because, utterly predictably, it's insane. This is why I never buy dogs from my drug dealer. And the calves? Not that hot. The usual stuff with a crazy dog happens where they make kissy-kissy faces away from Vince's ass for once, and when Kevin gets close, it jumps and moves the crate and they all jump back and are all "whoa" and yell at each other and are scared and Vince rubs his scruffy chin reflectively, you know, like people always do when they're thinking, as you've seen in real life, and makes a "sneaky" face and there's a "lingerie party at the mansion on Thursday," apparently, though what lingerie and what mansion, we'll never know, and what is a lingerie party? And then the gardeners -- who are still there because they work all the time -- are watching bemusedly because the PP is wearing a hockey uniform and the boys are on a balcony and they pull a rope and the cage opens and the dog attacks Turtle and they laugh and laugh. The music for this scene is "Cold Hard Bitch," by Jet, which is almost timely but can be explained by the fact that the producers bought that album the first time they heard "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" because it was so, so awesome and catchy and original and they were afraid they'd never, ever hear it again. And the guys are still laughing. Of course, what they don't know is that while they were getting the hockey suit, I sent Halle Berry up to loosen the bolts on the balcony, so then I'm the only one laughing because they all fall down to their terrible deaths and take their last breaths in a final gay embrace, covered in blood and stucco. And then Halle Berry explains that she did it for black women, and then lists all the black women she can think of, especially her mom.

At dinner, Ari is going on and on about Japan and how he and his wife visited Sofia [Coppola, for those of us who don't own television sets or magazines or newspapers or friends] on the set of Lost -- in Translation, of course, which is again so timely because that movie came out when I was in the fifth grade -- and how it didn't really capture Japan because Japan is twice as boring in real life. They make small talk about small things. Ari is astoundingly icky as he bullies Eric into asking who he's fucking and dragging out of him that it's some Russian chick from the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, but Eric is so perfect and boring, his first guess is "Mrs. Ari?" which is adorable, and then he's not all that impressed by the truth, and Ari gets a little steamed about that. And then Eric follows up with, "I think Vince hit that, did you ask him first?" in this wickedly disingenuous way, and Ari about explodes, and then Eric starts laughing and I realize that sometimes Eric's a little mean and cool. Ari tells Eric he's a part of the team and calls him "baby" and says that if he really doesn't like the script, he can have "some hack" rewrite it -- anything to stop Eric telling Vince to reject the script. And Eric plays it like he doesn't have Vince's brain in a box somewhere and it's pissing Ari off and things are tense and Ari says, "I've got to know what you think so I can get you to think what I think, you know?" Which is kind of putting it all out there, really. Just completely ignoring the second part of that statement, as though Ari had said a well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, Eric starts to tell him what he thinks.

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