Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
I [HEART]...the HELL?

Eric watches with something very much like self-satisfaction at having pushed Ari this far as Ari explains that Hugh Jackman, for example, would not call him and say that he likes a script but has to "run it past my pizza boy" first. Ari asks what Eric could possibly know about the industry, and then things get a little...heated. It's kind of hot, to be honest, because they're both smiling and baring their teeth and kind of giggling with rage throughout all their lines. What Eric does know. 1. Two years ago Ari was "the asshole that wouldn't call Vince back." 2. If Ari ever fucking talks to him like that again, "I will slap that grin right off your face." I like this part so much. It's like if you take away everything that does not work about this show -- all the other characters, basically -- and leave the parts that are vital and interesting, this is all that's left: these two fully-formed characters played by good actors having this totally intense battle of wills in this restaurant with somewhat hushed voices. And it is good. Points off for Eric's exit line, though, delivered as he throws down his little napkin and huffs away: "This sake sucks." Better is Ari's reaction, because he doesn't drop the anger and go back to the grin like you might think: he's still very much enraged as he asks for the check and rattles off a long thank you and goodbye in this very cool, lazy Japanese.

Because you can take the man out of Queens but you can't take his hand out of his pants, Kevin and Turtle sneak up on Eric, asleep on the couch in front of the TV, with said hand down said slacks, and Kevin growls like the dog right in his ear. It sounds pretty much like Kevin's regular voice. Eric jumps, and even Kevin has to point out the whole hand-down-the-pants thing, like they've never seen it before. "Yeah," sighs Eric, "I'm jerking off to SportsCenter." About which concept I have literally nothing to say, at all. Kevin, not letting it go, points out the lady golfers on the screen as...Peloponnesia stands bucolically off to the side, certainly not simulating masturbation. Eric's tired, as am I, and says he'll tell them about the Ari meeting in the morning. But really, they don't want him to go to bed, because they're going to Vegas, even though they're going to that stupid reunion in the morning, because Black Hack hooked them up with a jet for the night, and right now Vince (remember him?) is "emptying out the safe." Eric's still not interested. I wonder if Black Hack will be like Tino and we'll never see him ever. Eric heads to bed, anyway, but gets into it with the other two Funky Bunchers when they decide to tell him that "Kristen's fucking Vince Vaughn," and he's like, she left me for (Rocco, I think) "the restaurateur," but Turtle explains that she was seen at 40 Deuce with her hand down Vince Vaughn's pants. Clarifies Kevin: "Both of them." Hee! Eric starts screaming about "Vince Vaughn, that puffy motherfucker?" and word to the infinite power, because there is no man less attractive on this planet to me than Vince Vaughn. You know I hate that swinger shit. I can't get it out of my mind. I was going to say, in all seriousness, that I thought he was pretty good in The Cell and Psycho, although maybe that was because I liked those movies so much I could ignore him, but I realized that would get me totally fired, so I didn't. I'm still on probation about the Van Der Beek thing. So Turtle and Kevin respond to the puffy motherfucker slander by going completely gay about how hot he is lately. It's kind of weird. So far, Kevin Dillon wants to sleep with Cujo and Vince Vaughn.

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