Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
I [HEART]...the HELL?

Did you know that Kevin is not that good of an actor? Eric has realized that they are just messing with him, and Turtle, uproariously, smacks Kevin, screaming, "You indicating motherfucker!" which is quite funny. Eric is great here, because he's still upset from before he uncovered the lie, but Turtle yells that he deserved it. Why? So he can give a speech. What's it about? You'll never know. Not from me, anyway. Because life's too short, and this recap's too long, and Turtle is pointless. Even for a character based on a friend of Marky Mark, he is pointless. Even if this were the actual friend of Marky Mark, that would be pointless, and sad too, because this way I can at least say my hate is for the character and not the person it's based on. But we all know the truth. Vince comes down and asks to talk to Eric, and Turtle yells that Eric's being a little bitch, and Eric tells Turtle that in fact it is payback that is the bitch. As Turtle will soon learn. Vince asks Eric if he threatened to beat Ari up, and Eric -- instead of saying he threatened to slap him, because Eric knows that's a little embarrassing -- responds that Ari is a prick. Vince tries to explain that Ari is his manager and that Eric cannot threaten people in Hollywood because this is not high school. Eric justifies the slapping threat with the "pizza boy" comment. Vince parries with the fact that Eric was a night manager at a Sbarros. Which is taking it over the line, I think, and it's weird because he says this like he's giving him some advice, or, like, reminding him that he once sold pizza. The architecture of Eric's self-worth is really very strange: he's "working" for Vince, as are Kevin and Turtle, but he's not Vince's manager or agent, because Ari is his agent, so...it's confusing. And it makes Eric say, "Fuck you too" and wander off, and that would be a good place to end this scene.

Instead, the scene continues into the kitchen, and Vince is all, "What do you want me to do, fire him?" And Eric's like, "Yeah, basically," and I can't tell if he's kidding, but they're both stupid enough to do it right now. Vince starts dialing, and Eric orders him to put down the phone and turns it into some weird Yoda life or object lesson about how Vince shows zero interest in his life or career and needs to step up to bat at least occasionally. And Vince says that it is hard. I'm not paraphrasing. Vince is like, "This shit is hard." And I'm like, life? And Eric is all, "So what do you want me to do, make your decisions for you?" And Adrian and Vince work together and manage to win back all of my love when he grins and his eyes sparkle as a little bit of life enters his body for the first time and he says, "I don't know, I can't decide." And it's cute and sweet. And also awesome to watch these boys in action because they play each other like, I don't know. Like with the Suzuki Method. More weird kitchen business: pouring glasses of water, eating things out of boxes. Sticking fingers in food and eating off of them. Eric's all, "Do you even know where I'd be if I had your face?" And Vince goes, "Yeah, well..." and then sticks his entire index finger into his mouth and pulls it out with this weird sound and I don't know what he was eating but it was very, um, sticky. "You don't." Vince launches himself across the kitchen at Eric and asks Eric's opinion. Because he hasn't already given it eleven times. He gives it again, and Vince is all, that's settled then. And they have a stupid conversation about how vacations aren't vacations if you're stressing during them and so, even though Vince hasn't worked in three months, his "chill" time starts now because that didn't count.

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