The opening credits stubbornly refuse to end. Lots of jarring jumping around of the camera and I get a little Casino-related flashback trauma. People waiting in lines! Traffic lights! Buildings, with walls holding up their rooftops! A palm tree! A bunch of places that might not be completely random if you have ever been to L.A.! Which I have not! Their car says "Continental" on it. I don't know what that means, I don't even know how to drive, but I assume it's some kind of pimpin' luxury Lincoln. Which is about right. But, so starter jackets! A backwards mesh cap! The Grauman's fucking place with the stars on the sidewalk where at this point I feel like I've actually been, even though the closest I've been to there is the San Diego Zoo. It's all just so Los Angeles. Especially the trucker hats. Maybe we'll see a pashmina in the next scene, to prove how hip we all are to the fashions of current-day, bleeding-edge L.A. culture. The Funky Bunch arrive at their destination, which is an unattended valet station outside...somewhere that didn't sign a release, I guess. Could be anywhere. Fisher and Diaz, maybe, or West Beverly. Maybe it's CTU. Maybe that's why it's top secret. As Turtle slows and parks the car, the name of the show fakely reflects off the car's windscreen, sliding up and glowing like a message from beyond, and it's kind of cool. I don't know if it means anything. I don't know if anything means anything, actually, because it's HBO. I do know it implies there's a sign somewhere in Hollywood that reads "egaruotnE," though, because: Physics.
Entourage was brought to you by creator Doug Ellin. Let's talk about that for a second. Let's talk about Kissing a Fool, and his turn as an actor in Erotic Confessions Volume IV, and Phat Beach, about which I know nothing but I can assume. On second thought, let's not talk about those things. But we can talk about the fact that Doug was a staff writer on Life with Bonnie -- a show which I can empirically tell you only stopped sucking during the improvisation bits? I'm just saying. Also, in case you didn't know, the series is somewhat loosely based on Mark Wahlberg's experiences as an up-and-coming young movie stud. So Doug Ellin, of Kissing a Fool, and Marky Mark, of the Funky Bunch, got together and convinced some people of some things, is what I'm telling you. People like Larry David. People like HBO. People like you and me.
Some girl in a little bit of Marissa Cooper couture -- who needs food when your clothes have metal attachments and no breast support? -- comes out of this month's Sephora to the generic sound of one of those rap songs where the chorus is like "Whoo, She Bang Bang Boom" that was probably the hottest thing going back in 1995 when this show started its Inanna slide into development hell. We pan across a million identical girls whose bra size exceeds their waist size times a hundred, and it's creepy. Somebody in a yellow Hummer is honking with the unearned entitlement that TV has taught us is a trademark of the Hollywood community. It's Turtle, the most obvious of the hangers-on, and he's bringing the poster for Vince's most recent film (co-starring Jessica Alba, so you know Vince is going places) to a Funky Bunch lunch. On the way in, he greets several identical Hollywood girls in that greasy way you're thinking of, even doing the "forward one step, turn, and check the ass" maneuver that's so believable in movies and TV shows. Enough of the identical Hollywood girls respond favorably that you can see why he persists in this behavior. Maybe they're all famous, or something, but the camera's moving too fast to see. To indicate to you how quickly the camera is moving: one of them is either Mira Sorvino, Shannon Elizabeth, or Linda Ronstadt.