Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
I [HEART]...the HELL?

Without prelude, Turtle demands that Vince sign the movie poster, for "Mary at Nike," and then to belabor the point, follows up with, "You want her to shut down our shoe supply?" Eric and Vince tool lovingly at each other and everyone laughs at how dire that would be, but they're not kidding. It's trivial, and the laughs are fake. Kevin Dillon unrolls the poster -- which I have to think he's seen before this -- and talks with his mouth full of marbles because he's playing Queens homeboy: "They screwed it up. They got your eye color wrong." The poster is in black and white. Vince points this out. Why are they discussing this? "They look brown to me." Is the point of this to portray Kevin Dillon as functionally retarded? So that we don't lose sight of Turtle's entire reason for being on the show, he points out that "at least they didn't fuck up your package." It's a head shot. Eric points this out. Why are they discussing this? Turtle leaves Eric's "logic" for behind for an unrelated story about Warren Beatty sending back 300,000 one-sheets for a movie because "his dick looked too small in the sweat pants." So is this how it's going to go? Belabored and nonsensical setups for "insider" dick jokes? Because that's all that has happened so far. A narrative "pull my finger," if you will. Kevin shows his grasp by praising Beatty for looking out "for his image," which, okay, that says a lot about the mindset of the group, but still comes from a place of not making sense to begin with.

Some identical Hollywood girls walk by, their approach telegraphed by fake day-player laughter. Turtle inexpertly flings his keys over his shoulder, the better to ask if the girls dropped them, but then -- and again, nonsense draws a line from the beginning of the sentence to the end of it -- we learn that these girls fully know all of the guys by name (although they don't expressly greet Kevin Dillon, because he is parsley). Apparently it's a good thing he threw his keys over his shoulder or else they would have just walked right by, I guess? "You guys going to that Motorola party tonight?" Oh, as if you care. We'd just have to get Turtle to throw his keys around some more to get you to talk to us. Also, though, that's funny, because Motorola has been buying little pieces of the Hollywood infrastructure for years, and throw about six parties a week, as pointed out by spork on the forum. The fact that the script doesn't go its usual route and immediately have five characters point this out, however, means maybe they don't know that. Like maybe they've been to one or two parties, in Hollywood, and they were Motorola parties. I'm not willing to posit subtlety at this point. Eric tells the girls that they are going to the premiere of Vince's movie with Jessica Alba tonight, so they'll have to skip the Motorola party. Until, like, tomorrow night. The girls half-bitch about not being invited, which really is just a placeholder for Turtle to crack that it's because they're "not hot enough." Wow, I'm tired of this character already. Apparently this guy's based on an actual friend of Marky Mark's from the Boston days, and the portrayal of him is true to life. Awesome. One of the girls, in quick succession, flips him the bird, wishes Vince luck, and mumbles the rest of a line as she makes for the door. I hope nobody else drops their keys between here and wherever she's headed. That's a serious liability.

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