Kevin Dillon bitches that nobody ever says hello to him, and Eric kind of calls him out and asks why he doesn't say hi to them, and Kevin says "that ain't how it works," calling Eric an asshole for no reason, so Eric -- as curious as I am about where this is going -- asks how, in fact, it does work. Engrossed yet? Kevin responds, "Fucking models," leaving our score for satisfactory acts of communication at a steady nil. Eric does an awkward pirouette of a segue, expositing the question of whether or not the guys are going to "that reunion." We get it, they're all old friends. "The only people I talk to from high school are sitting at this table," says Vince. We get it. "Ten-year reunion, baby!" smarms Kevin. We get it. Kevin gets defensive about how it's not his reunion, but he says that he hung out with a lot of the kids from their class, which actually means that he sold them weed. Apropos of nothing, Vince says, "Yo," and tells Eric that the two of them should hook up with the key-snatching models after the premiere. Kevin and Turtle, of course, go apeshit, even though they both just separately denounced the girls. Lots of F-bombs are dropped. I don't believe any of this is happening. The script for this scene is like a random handful of fifteen cocktail napkins that say like, "turtle: gross," and "reunion -- 10 yr," and "the word fuck 16 times," and "remind viewers they are all trash from Queens," and "drug dealer???" and then they got some intern to sketch in the ligature between them.
Vince points out that "E" ("E" is for Eric) is "in recovery," somehow, and Kevin says that "E" fell off the wagon. Kevin puts "E" on blast about having called some girl named Kristen, and Vince reacts like he said Kim Il Jong. Kevin pushes the HBO envelope by inventing a brand-new, never-before-seen conundrum that perfectly describes the central breakup problem: if the boys call this "Kristen" a bitch, and then they get back together, Eric might be mad at them for talking smack about his former ex. You know what's funny about that, though? As much as people on every TV show in the universe discusses this possibility, it's very rarely brought to fruition. It's just this terrifying, brotherhood-destroying scenario that hangs over their laddish heads like the threat of nuclear cataclysm. Like walking in on each other naked. So in order to resolve this Schrodinger's Girlfriend existential crisis, Eric declares it over, everybody yells that she's a bitch, Eric allows as how she's a bitch, and everybody cheers. They raise beers and go "woo!" and slug back beer, okay? "She's a bitch! Yeah!" Like October Sky, but with misogyny. Lame, first of all, and a very wounded masculinity sort of circling of the wagons, but also? Who talks like this? About these obvious, clichéd things? People who've seen it on TV, that's who. Not actual people having actual conversations that they are invested in. And who needs this kind of crap support from their friends anyway? I wouldn't let someone I was dating within ten miles of this Turtle person, for fear I'd be inalterably tainted in the eyes of my beloved. Or eventually called as a character witness.