Derek Jeter Girl is like, "Come on, you can tell me about her." Which is not hot, in my opinion. Nor is it realistic, no matter how much of a whore you are. Cut to some hot Miutrix action trying to ascertain whether or not Kevin is really Vince's brother. This one is blonde, with a southern accent. She points out that Kevin and Matt...er, "Vince"...don't "look very much alike," which Kevin admits is true. It's because they're only half-brothers, but Kevin says it's because he "has a lot less body fat." For some reason this causes her to giggle seductively. Meanwhile, Turtle is asking Miutrix point blank, "What do I gotta do to get a little?" That's one way to get there, cowboy. "Beg," laughs Miutrix, which is after all the only valid response to that. She also has blonde hair and a southern accent (maybe those are the sisters?), so it's like no matter where you look there's a Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. Of sorts. "I'd get on my knees, but I'd drown," he says. Because they're in the pool, you know. "Look, it's not like I don't think you're cute, but…I'm just still hoping I'm going to be the one that fucks Vince." Nice. These two were made for each other, although not in a poker-playing facility. Turtle's comeback? "Sweetheart, look around. Vince is gone. So is your sister, and your best friend. Come on, just make out with me, and I'll show you where Vince eats breakfast." And honestly? She's just as screwed as she would be any other way, so she acquiesces. I really hope it's not so she'll get to see the breakfast nook, because I don't know how you spell the word for "whore squared."
Next morning, the grounds crew is working as Eric leaves the guest house to visit the house proper. There's a baseball mitt, lacrosse sticks, and a football scattered on the porch steps, because some intern likes to do his job half-assedly. To underscore the innocent boyish nature of the Funky Bunch -- or maybe just Eric -- there's also a soccer goal in the yard. See it? Next to the giant plastic ibix? Eric kicks the soccer ball in order to impress one of the landscapers, and ends up thwunking another one, and feeling bad about it. Of course, he knows all their names -- not because anyone with half a brain would, but because he's the heart of the Funky Bunch who has not let fame go to his blah blah blah saintcakes. In the kitchen ("Hi, Blanca!") Kevin asks him how things went in a creepy Deliverance voice: "How'd it go last night, boy?" Yikes. Eric gently tries to dissuade him from the topic, because it's tacky, and Kevin takes this seriously: "I fucked like a puma." Which is funny for two reasons. Number one, what? And number two, the only reason you're famous in my house? Is because you're the last thing Kim saw on 24 before she was caught in a bear trap and menaced by a puma. Or, as we call it in my house, a "catamount." Turtle says something inordinately gross and creepy about his exploits, which causes my friend Anna to say aloud, "I want to fuck that guy up" in this, like, chilling tone.