They start chasing each other around on incredibly slow-moving golf carts and Vince tells Turtle he's dead and they leave Drama behind. And that's too bad, because how awesome would it be if instead Turtle stole Emily from Eric and kept her at gunpoint in a hotel room and Vince finally believed Eric that Turtle was crazy and they went to save Emily and the ads made you think Turtle killed himself but really they just put him in the booby hatch. And I realize that the O.C. commercial this week that I TiVo'd and watched about sixty times might have permanently done something to my brain.
Over to some place, probably the stupid Urth Caffé, which sadly does exist, my L.A. posters tell me, and they're talking about how hot Sara Foster ("Who?") is. Turtle thinks she'll bring other "hotties" with her, and when asked why, he says it's because "hotties travel in packs," and then he howls really loudly. It's just awful. I hate this kid. What the hell was the point of that? God. Shut up, Turtle. Shut up, Urth Caffé, just on the off chance that they're there. Or it still exists. Vince is weird. He gives this speech about how he had a "crazy night in the Hamptons" with the mysterious Miss Foster, and I hope with all my heart that they ran over some people, because that's awesome when people do that in the Hamptons. Vince never called her after that, but that's not breaking up -- not that he's proud of it or anything -- so his record is still intact. And I can't figure out why they are talking about this, or what the issue is. If Vince had an identity, we've now been given proof that it seems to be entirely pinned up the not-breaking-up thing, which is a lame thing, and a lame identity to give a character with no other distinguishing characteristics. Stop calling attention to the problems, just roll right over them like on Buffy, because I can only try to enjoy when you try to entertain. "No asterisk there!" pipes up Turtle, officially making this equivalent to the One Bathroom problem they won't shut up about. And he fucking says it "asterix," of course, and I no longer believe that this actor playing Turtle is anything other than what he seems to be, which is actual Turtle. He's not acting, Vince isn't acting, and there's only one bathroom: that's the score at halftime. And yeah, it could be meaningful, like, Vince's need to please people by being as vague as possible about everything and never telling anyone no, only ends up hurting people, but seriously? Do you honestly think anyone put that much thought into this? Eric and Vince agree that when they see Kristen and Sara, respectively, what they're going to say is...what they're going to say. I find tautologies appropriate in almost any circumstance, don't you? They sit there for a while trying to decide how to end the scene, and then there's an ice fight. With the ice from their glasses of water. Ugh. Oh, boys. They will be boys, won't they? What boys do is what boys do.