Imagine your vagina has Tourette's syndrome. What would it say? Imagine your vagina woke up on a stranger's front lawn. What would it do next? Imagine your vagina is Anne Heche.
Eric wants to crack a Phantom window, because "we're stinking this beast up." Sometimes you just have to perform a line as written, Eric. You don't have to like it. Vince doesn't really care because he hates the "smell of new car." Two shots of Miutrix pull up in a red Jeep and start honking the horn on the off chance that there are rich men inside the Rolls-Royce Phantom that they can have sex with for money. When asked what he does, Turtle responds that he's "a lottery winner, sweetheart. Powerball." And it's a consequence of the troubling way Turtle conducts himself that I don't know if that's a double entendre or what. Pathetically, Kevin rolls down the backseat window nearest the Miutrix Jeep, basically ending up in Eric's lap in order to get closer to the possible consolation-prize sex. The Miutrix may recognize Kevin Dillon, as is often the case, but Turtle steps all over his game: "You watch Cinemax at 5 AM?" Kevin smacks him and lays down the agenda for the Miutrix: "Call two friends; follow us." He even uses helpful hand motions to indicate they'll be driving forward. "Not too close," Turtle clarifies, which is pretty funny. There's a weird little scene where we're shown that the red Jeep does, in fact, follow the Phantom, in case we couldn't infer that from the next scene. Why not just have a shot of the girls dialing up two friends and telling them to meet them at Vince Chase's house? And then those girls, painting their toenails, and waiting for their friends to call back to give them directions, and how they're not really sure what path they want to take after high school, and what it was like growing up, and who their favorite celebrities are, and reminiscing about getting their first implants.
Back at the House with One Bathroom and a Giant Indoor Pool, Vince is cozied up with the most outgoing of the Miutrix quartet, the one that asked where Turtle's car came from, floating in the pool. Kevin Dillon is being cuddly with another one, and Turtle is being charming with a third. Some kind of underwater phone that floats around the pool starts ringing. I know what you're thinking, but it's not Ari. It's..."Marvin." You know: Marvin? Come on, you've got to remember Marvin. No? Just tag along, we'll all catch up together. Must be someone important, with a solid hand in Vince's future, because he immediately throws the phone across the pool to Eric. I'm not even kidding when I say the fourth Miutrix stares at Eric's lips the entire time he's on the phone with Marvin. Eric hangs up and tosses the phone back to Vince, and through a painfully and needlessly complex game of bluffing, obscuring, and occasionally revealing the facts, we learn exactly two things: Marvin is Vince's business manager, and he wants a meeting. And of course Vince doesn't want to go, because he doesn't want to go listen to some dude tell him how to spend his money. Which is so dumb, we're just going to power through. Miutrix asks Eric if Vince is, like, his boss. Turtle finds my pain center or migraine activator or whatever, I'm not all about biology, and starts pressing it repeatedly in a grade-school sing-song, about nothing, it's stupid, it makes no sense, and then barely manages to call Eric a dick before he falls sideways into the pool in the most unbelievable, over-rehearsed, telegraphed pratfall in the history of photography. Like the actor could be deathly afraid of water, and that would explain why this is performed so poorly. I'll check into that. So, since everything has started sucking and not making sense, I guess there's a "joke" coming. "Thank God I'm self-employed," Kevin sighs to the Miutrix...and that's it. And the lame punchline didn't even make sense with the nonsensical chain of events leading up to it. So nothing actually happened, except now there's Marvin. I hate this fucking show.









Comments