While Vince and Eric argue over the $253 bottle of wine Vince has selected for Jessica Alba -- "you can't give her Boone's Farm," he explains -- Kevin and Turtle are...I don't know what they're doing. Making out? It's weird. Eric attacks Kevin Dillon for no reason. Turtle styles his hair. Everyone's looking in different directions and moving around strangely for no discernable purpose. Shape up, boys! This isn't the kitchen! Turtle calls out to the liquor guy that he should save Vince's signature and there's almost a cut and suddenly we're at Jessica Alba's house and the Snoop Dogg/Pharrell song "Beautiful" is playing (because it's an eighties flashback party, which is good news for Kevin Dillon), and I'm sorry, but Snoop? That's a Pharrell song. You've been punk'd. So anyway, this song is playing and there are bright blue drinks and it's just exactly like you think and there are no famous people there whatsoever, because this show can't even fake its own contrived bullshit. All the hugely-haired women have San Fernando faces and Long Beach breasts, meaning they are in no way pretending to be whores. They just are. Nice casting, jackass. The next bit is composed of quick edits to no narrative purpose, as Jessica Alba hugs each of the guys in turn and then points out where all the bars are, and all the girls. Jessica Alba is a madam. She sends the boys into the mighty fray and runs off with Vince. Turtle sends Eric to the bar and runs off for "Silicone Valley." I send a box of hair to the HBO offices and run off, having taken complete leave of my senses. Rage is a force that cannot be directed. Turtle offers to show these girls the Rolls -- they're not Miutrix girls, I don't know what they are. The Girls RAINN Forgot. Vince has been introduced to Chipette, and Jessica leaves them alone really awkwardly and giggles and they don't care and I think I'm in love with Jessica Alba.
Episode Report CardJacob Clifton: B- | 1118 USERS: C+
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