Eric confirms what I thought last week, that Head On is a "by-the-numbers crime thriller," which makes me wonder why that wasn't Vince's "artistic bar mitzvah." Although if it was like one of those "by-the-numbers crime thrillers starring Ashley Judd," I can see why you're still not a man, artistically speaking. Eric continues: "Vincent Chase is guilty of fraud." Kevin Dillon laughs at this, because "fuck critics," because critics made fun of him when Viking Quest aired, and ended up going a whole 22-episode season. And I laughed again, because: Viking Quest. One thing I do love is the acknowledgement of actors, on this show and in real life, that the stuff they do is sometimes stupid. It's like, it's a job, you know? It's nice to see them laugh. My favorite, favorite thing, though, is when actors on science fiction shows have to walk that balance and pretend to be "serious actors who are so far above it" while still making half their income from convention appearances and ghost-written science fiction novels. No way, man. Give me like Ben Browder any day, who can out-geek the geekiest FarScape fan while still looking like a fucking supermodel in Those Leather Pants. No, I mean it. Give me Ben Browder.
"This fly-by-night pretty boy, who has been tapped as the 'It' Actor of the moment, makes walking and talking seem so difficult that by the end, you wish someone would just let the man rest." Word. Oh, we're talking about the pretend movie. Never mind. "At least he said I was pretty," Vince says somewhat unnecessarily, and lest we forget for five seconds that Kevin Dillon's character is flatter than Lindsay Lohan circa twenty minutes ago, he chimes in: "All the Chase men are pretty." To which I say: I wish this part were being played by Daniel Baldwin, because it would make that joke even more uproarious. Turtle calls him a beauty queen because he's ugly and has a vagina that is like a round, pink, tender shell. Ew, I just threw up a little and it's my own fault. Don't you hate it when you make yourself throw up using only your mind? Eric asks if Vince is okay with having just learned the self-evident and completely obvious fact that he is an exceedingly expensive piece of beautiful Heywood-Wakefield furniture, and Vince is, of course, unaffected by it. Turtle pipes up that we shouldn't listen to critics because we are "a fucking star." To which Vince responds, and I wish I were lying when I say this, but he says, "True knockin'." I'm sorry I had to tell you that. It's my job!