The Review

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Meet Emily

I just want to say right now before we go any further that I could not be happier that the newest of the "Critically Acclaimed Smash Hits HBO Original Series" commercials has stopped with that ghoulish Forrest Gump shit. I understand that you are marketing a single brand, I get that. It makes sense to have all of your characters juxtaposed in some way -- this is why some of my comics from the '80s have ads with, like, C-3PO and Punky Brewster hanging out with the Smurfs and, I don't know, those creepy head-in-a-box Max Headroom things from Pole Position. Hell, it's why Power Pack hung out with Cloak and Dagger, if you think about it. I get it. But the whole edited together with ragged edges thing gives me the fucking creeps. So thanks, HBO, for cleverly editing individual lines of dialogue from your "CA$H Original Series" for these new commercials. It's smart and it's funny.

And also? We get it. And you're right. Chances are, if we like The Sopranos, or say we do, we'll similarly like Six Feet Under, or say we do in the exact same tone, and either way you win, but it's not really advertising, in that you already have my twelve bucks for this month. You could just show me a shot of me getting hit in the head with a bag of bricks that don't make any damn sense, mixed in with scenes from Carnivale, for example, and make the same point: "This is like that, but it's all HBO." Just don't put Uncle Paulie at a poker table next to Doc Holliday with a weird buzzing line one pixel thick between them and expect me not to get icked out.

Still no closer to figuring out who sings that awful "Superhero" song with the canned guitar and the stupid echo. The yellow Hummer That [HEARTS] Cock rolls up into The House With Just The One Bathroom. Turtle seems to have made friends with Arnold the Drug Dog -- not to mention the beat, as he rocks out to some rap, which is what the kids were into back in 1985 when this was written. The camera swings to follow them into the house, desperate to find a reason to have filmed this driving-up scene in the first place, and settles on a big lion statue at the front door. Because any true rags-to-riches story involves Doric columns and a big lion statue. But really it's so we'll be surprised by the sudden intrusion of Kevin Dillon's voice talking about his vagina before the camera gets to the kitchen. That's right, I said it. His vagina is "a shell, a round pink tender shell, opening and closing and opening." Please feel sorry for me. And please don't watch Entourage. It's bad for your health! Of course, yes, Kevin's reading lines from The Vagina Monologues, which as we all know was inspired by an amusing collision involving the chocolate of "The Famous Ghost Monologues," the peanut butter of how dumb this show is, and those ladies in the red hats and purple dresses (a.k.a. Your Mom), which ladies would be about as timely and hip to joke about as The Vagina Monologues, here where I am writing from. In 2004.

Eric walks in -- Hi, Eric! -- and demands to know why Kevin Dillon is telling their breakfast about his vagina. Kevin Dillon responds that he and "Faustino" -- and see, right away you can see the whole thing, where this is going, it's like you have mental powers, it's like standing at the veeeery top of a veeeery tall pile of garbage -- are going to be performing it together in acting class. And they keep talking, so you think the one joke they have in each scene is to come, but it's not. Because the joke is that Kevin Dillon and David Faustino are in acting class together, right? Hilarious, right? And they're performing The Vagina Monologues, okay? Isn't that funny? No? But they keep talking anyway. "I thought that was for girls," Eric needlessly points out. "It's a gender reversal exercise, bro," Kevin Dillon pointlessly answers. "I thought you already had your gender reversed," Eric giggles. And I'd like to point out again that there's way too much...stuff, for these boys to act with, in the kitchen. Every time they go in that room it's like the Cirque de Soleil with the amount of activity that goes into making coffee or Unspecified Breakfast Foods or walking around or whatever. Like the entire kitchen is this spinning, mechanical, 13 Ghosts kind of kitchen where everything is about to spring to life and dance around weirdly and start singing some Disney kind of welcoming song. Which to Vince, with his obvious drugs vs. reality problems, it usually is.

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