The Review

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
Meet Emily

So Vince says that the Phantom makes driving so fun he might even get his license. So that explains why Turtle's always driving, and also why he has such a vested interest in the kind of car they bought. And while this is a little bit dumb, it's not unheard of. Your loyal recapper can't drive either. But Turtle says something weird and I guess it's because he's stoned, so I forget about that whole rant: "We should've had one of these in high school." How would that have come about? I need more back story. They've only lived in L.A. for 14 months, but Vince has been acting professionally for at least two years, and these boys are much older than 20, so they were still poor (they were poor!) when they graduated high school. Anyway, who cares, because this is Entourage so it's more about overlooking the random crap that comes out of Turtle's mouth in favor of the weak punchline ahead. "You think that would've gotten you laid?" And Turtle laughs kind of believably, "More than my yellow Fiero did!" This whole time the camera is on Eric like a hawk, drinking in the sight of him smoking pot with an obsessive attention. Kevin decides to add his disgusting two cents: "Shit, I got crazy pussy in high school, and I was driving a moped." Shut up, Kevin. Although it does provide a pretext for me to tell you all about my new dramatic project: The Clinically Insane Vagina Monologues, starring Sean Young, Jewel Kilcher, Brittany Murphy, and Sharon Stone in its original Broadway run -- with a special appearance by Margot Kidder.

Imagine your vagina has Tourette's syndrome. What would it say? Imagine your vagina woke up on a stranger's front lawn. What would it do next? Imagine your vagina is Anne Heche.

Eric wants to crack a Phantom window, because "we're stinking this beast up." Sometimes you just have to perform a line as written, Eric. You don't have to like it. Vince doesn't really care because he hates the "smell of new car." Two shots of Miutrix pull up in a red Jeep and start honking the horn on the off chance that there are rich men inside the Rolls-Royce Phantom that they can have sex with for money. When asked what he does, Turtle responds that he's "a lottery winner, sweetheart. Powerball." And it's a consequence of the troubling way Turtle conducts himself that I don't know if that's a double entendre or what. Pathetically, Kevin rolls down the backseat window nearest the Miutrix Jeep, basically ending up in Eric's lap in order to get closer to the possible consolation-prize sex. The Miutrix may recognize Kevin Dillon, as is often the case, but Turtle steps all over his game: "You watch Cinemax at 5 AM?" Kevin smacks him and lays down the agenda for the Miutrix: "Call two friends; follow us." He even uses helpful hand motions to indicate they'll be driving forward. "Not too close," Turtle clarifies, which is pretty funny. There's a weird little scene where we're shown that the red Jeep does, in fact, follow the Phantom, in case we couldn't infer that from the next scene. Why not just have a shot of the girls dialing up two friends and telling them to meet them at Vince Chase's house? And then those girls, painting their toenails, and waiting for their friends to call back to give them directions, and how they're not really sure what path they want to take after high school, and what it was like growing up, and who their favorite celebrities are, and reminiscing about getting their first implants.

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