Oh, I remember where else I saw her, it was on Punk'd and I hated her so much and felt kind of bad about it because if it's Punk'd then you're actually just hating the person, herself, and that's mean. But dude, she pissed me off. This guy was harassing her in this lingerie store, okay, and I imagine that's stressful, and she got bitchy, and so would I, but she kept answering all his questions with this weird and totally affected, like, sound. This noise. This very high-pitched, nasal "no" sound, that sounded like "Uh-nyoo." He'd ask her some icky question and she'd say "Uh-nyoo," and then he'd follow her to the other side of the store and bug her about something and she'd say, "Uh-nyoo," and it was so fucking preposterous and I remember thinking, "This girl and all her little friends, her entourage if you will, somehow started saying the word no incorrectly and they all just passed it around like a cold sore and probably nobody even noticed they were doing it, much less how gay and pissy it sounds, and they say it to each other all the time, 'Uh-nyoo,' and language is a virus and so now I hate Jessica Alba and all her friends and if I run into her and she's like, 'Do you want to hang out?' I'll be all, 'Uh-nyoo' and then if she looks confused I'll tell her about how she pissed me off that one time and maybe she'll apologize. I sure hope she cut that shit out."
Anyway, keep that in mind because it turns out that Jessica Alba -- who may have turned things around for herself in the last couple of years as far as actually being herself, and I wish her the best of luck -- totally kicks ass pretending to be herself. Besides the Piven, she's totally the best thing about this episode. People can surprise you, if you let them. So she launches into this comfort-talking about how great Vince was in the movie and gets all the guys to talk about how great he was in the movie. And it occurs to me that nobody's mentioned what the eponymous review had to say about her, which is weird, because she's the co-star in the film. Kevin mentions though that she, too, was great in the movie. Jessica invites them to the party she's throwing for her friend Justine, who's going on tour. How weird! Vince gets all questiony and Jessica's immediately like, not a chance. I love how, again, nobody questions Vince's interest in her but just assumes he wants to nail her. It's kind of sad. The Funky Bunch all bug Jessica about whether or not Justine's really a virgin. "Yeah, for this album at least," she giggles. She's really just beautiful. The sun does all the stuff for her that it refuses to do for Adrian Grenier.
Kevin notes that the party at Jessica Alba's is going to be off the hook, and Eric -- of course -- reminds him about the vaginas and David Faustino. "Fuck that class. They ain't paying me to be there, bro." Back at the One-Bathroom Mansion That's Not Good Enough for a Phantom, Turtle opines that Vince has "gotta pop the pop star's cherry." I hate, hate, hate that somebody got paid to type that sentence on a piece of paper. Hate it! Vince uses his "slightly impaired" voice to point out that "virgins are too much responsibility" and Kevin notes that he should do it, since he could use the press. Eric's still like, "She's not a virgin!" and Turtle, weirdly, says that he can tell by the way that she sings that she's a virgin. Wha? Then some laborious and pointless talking about how Eric begged his prom date for "pussy" but at least it was his girlfriend's pussy and not a "forty-dollar hooker who declined your mother's credit card" as was the case for Turtle on prom night. And thus begat The Begging for Vagina Monologues. Starring Turtle. Off-off Broadway, now on tour in sunny California for an indefinite run. Imagine your vagina is boring and pointless to talk about. What would you say about it anyway, just to piss me off?