The Review

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
Meet Emily

Hey, L.A. people? Do people say true knockin'? Because I'm willing to file it under "they say that in Sunnydale" catchphrasery, and I'd prefer to, because it makes the writers gianter assclowns, but if people do say this (or did back in aught-one when this shit was written) it's the kind of thing I'll need to know before I move to Hollywood to become a big fucking movie star. I've got a notebook with pictures of Brad Pitt scotch-taped to the cover where I carry all my Hollywood dreams and poems and collages and there's a lexicon section in there called The Pimsleur Program: Parvenu but so far all it says is, "That's hot."

So they have to meet with Ari now, and I'm happy, but first Vince offers to help Kevin Dillon with his scene and Kevin Dillon refuses on the basis that Vince is a "no-talent pretty boy" and they're kind of cute and believable and Vince tosses him the finger. At Ari's office, which is totally awesome, and where everybody is color-coordinated to the office walls and furniture, including the Funky Bunch -- except for Turtle, who clashes of course -- we see a girl. And this girl is a self-proclaimed virgin and a pop star, but we don't know that yet, we just see her walking toward the Funky Bunch with her own Funky Bunch and I get really excited in the slo-mo of it all, because what if there was an ugly older half-sister and a saintly best friend and a total skank in her entourage and then they'd be like Britney and the Chipettes to our guys, and I start singing "The Boys/Girls of Rock & Roll" from The Chipmunk Adventure because that's the best movie, like, ever. Oh, I forgot to tell you, this week I'm nine. So but instead of busting out and having a rock-off in the Parthenon, or at least an angry dance-off at The Lounge, they walk past each other and then Vince and the Chipette turn back and look at each other like they're Queer As Folk and then the Funky Bunch have a two-hour conversation about how much of a virgin she is or is not. Also, Turtle has given the Tribbiani Tribute to every single woman in this entire building but we all know he doesn't really care how they're doin' and it's like, so fake. Where's Ari?

Anna Stern! I love you, Anna Stern! I love you, Samaire Armstrong, you were so great on Freaks & Geeks! Run, Anna Stern! …Too late. Anna offers some brutally bullshit exposition about how her dad is from Flushing but she isn't and that means it's like total fate to meet these boys who are also, like her dad but not like her, from Queens. Eric is instantly in love because he's this show's shitty approximation of Seth Cohen in many, many ways, but without interests or wit, and that's what Anna does best. She offers them a drink and they all ask for water except for Kevin Dillon, who asks for Welch's Grape so that she will remember him for ordering something weird, which he apparently always does, and it's such a great strategy and so memorable that none of the other guys has ever noticed. Eric's so in love with Anna Stern that he gives Kevin Dillon shit about it, but he's nice enough not to point out that it doesn't really matter one way or the other if Anna Stern or anybody else's assistant remembers him, because he's still not talented, in addition to being one hundred years old. Vince always addresses all of his dialogue to Eric's lips like he's about to kiss him, and it's continuing to freak me out this week because it's unintentionally flirty and he does it in every scene, and I know that a big part of it is just his face so he can't help it, but it's also the talking to the lips. So he asks Eric's lips if he's into Anna and then tries to embarrass Eric by promising to "hook that shit up" and calling out to Anna while she's on thirteen simultaneous phone calls to ask if she has a boyfriend, because "my man E here just got his heart broken and he thinks you're kind of cute," and Anna's totally adorable here and plays it nice and cool. And she asks which one is "E" and they all point to Eric and instead of jumping out of the window at this point, which is what a real person would do, he waves cutely and is very blushy and she smiles and goes back to work, and it's pretty awesome because it's low-key. It's meet-cute, which the whole painful Flushing scene was not, but also a little meet-creepy, thanks to Vince, who seems to view the world as a sex buffet every bit as much as Turtle, just more quietly.

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