The Review

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
Meet Emily

This just in: Even though this episode was probably written back in the Truman administration, they've somehow conspired to give a little shout out to last week's recap. The Orange County Register, at some point, called Johnny Drama a "functioning retard." Just like I did! California, here we come. While Kevin Dillon thinks that was a bad review, Turtle's kind of pulling a punch when he says he thought it was a compliment. Heh. Kevin tells Vince to try and join his acting class (and I must say I'm proud of the production staff for not just dropping a gratuitous Faustino in there, for their own supererogatory amusement), where -- even though most people have to audition to get in -- Vince would be, after all, "a legacy." I'm starting to like Kevin Dillon a little. It's not the character that's the problem, it's the writing, because Turtle's an obvious write-off so there's no balance to be maintained with his dialogue, whereas something a little more subtle is required to pull off the Johnny Drama stuff, because honestly I think Kevin Dillon can handle it. He gets the joke, of course, and already he's surprised me three or four times in this episode with his delivery. Too bad the writers don't really care to excel. Too bad nobody seems to think a director is necessary for filming.

Eric tries to derail this whole ugly train of thought regarding whether or not Vince needs acting class by offering up an afternoon activity: they'll all go buy a car. Turtle is unimpressed by plans to buy a Mercedes Benz, and takes them to the Rolls store. The Rolls store is kind of like if Pimp My Ride happened on a model shoot: everything's white with big photo-op bank lights and gleaming and scary, with a bunch of cars that individually you would recognize as Rolls Royce products but jumbled together look like the back yard of that guy who lives down the street from your parents. More irritating music from a billion years ago accompanies a prodigiously dumb shot of the Funky Bunch's funky slacks walking across the showroom floor. They are met by a somewhat uncategorizable man from Foreignia (tm djb) who immediately recognizes Vince. Behind the Foreigner stand two men, one a creepy white-haired man who looks fake and plastic and the other a model-pretty outback type who makes a really weird, really fast face at them from behind the main guy. Like he's biting something really large, or trying to warn you of like a giant mouth coming up behind you. All three are wearing black suits, and monochromatic shirts. All of them look like hired killers. All of them stare at Eric's lips for the rest of this scene.

The Foreigner approves of Turtle's blurted car choice, the Phantom. Rugged model guy is so trying to be more than a wordless extra here, nodding perspicaciously as if to suggest that Turtle has just unleashed for them his plans for worldwide domination. Then something strange happens. The bright whiteness of the dealership zooms away, revealing an unending Matrix whiteness. The Foreigner turns to us, the audience, and says, "I'd like to give you a speech I prepared on the awesomeness of the Rolls Royce brand." And then proceeds to do just this. Namedropping left and right, throwing around barnstormer ideas like "ultimate luxury" and how the car you drive makes a "statement." Seriously, it takes forever. It's so dumb. Red Target targets start popping up on my skin like hives and they install a Starbucks in my dining room and they're back-masking some kind of consumer programming into this show's soundtrack and Parker Posey gets a lisp. My first impulse -- and this is always my first impulse -- is to smash up a bunch of No-Doz and snort them through a ballpoint pen chassis in case the programming has taken and I spend the rest of the night dreaming about Ronald McDonald. Back in the real world of the Funky Bunch, where they're too dumb for advertising to have any effect, they learn that this is a $320,000 car. That's $320K USD. "That's hot." Okay? But if Vince signs a picture for the Foreigner's Daughter, he'll knock off a cool...thousand. Kevin Dillon points out that this is not the kind of car you buy, it's the kind of car you lease, and because Kevin Dillon is saying it, we should know it's a bad idea, but it sounds like a good idea to me. No, on second thought, no. We should tie up as much of Vince's money in durable goods as possible so he'll stop spending it and still have the option of selling the stuff when he goes the way of Skeet. Moment of silence for Skeet, y'all. Do we need to hug it out?

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