The Review

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
Meet Emily

There's talk, but it's unimportant. Kevin points out that all the broke jerk-offs in L.A. drive 911s because they lease them, and Eric says that the car costs more than the houses they grew up in (because they were poor, you read me?) and Turtle points out that "a fucking Subaru costs more" than the houses they grew up in (because: still poor!) and Vince arches himself back against the hood and spreads his arms out and asks Eric's lips if he thinks he should buy the car, but Eric points out that this is a terrible, stupid idea and Rosenturtle and Guildendrama stare at Eric hatefully and hee! Kevin Dillon's got his sunglasses pushed up just above his eyes so he doesn't hurt the hair crop, and he's got his stupid facial hair and this impotent, petulant face he's making and I laugh, but it's with rage, and now Eric's backed into a corner so he can't very well say no, because Ari told him to make Vince feel good, so Eric just kind of waffles and lets Vince decide. Which is a stupid idea, because A. Vince is dumb as hell and B. Vince can't do that, and we all know that's true. Sensing something less than the firm hand his puppet self requires, he also gets the POV of Turtle, Kevin Dillon, and the Foreigner, who all, coincidentally enough, feel like he should get the car. Because none of those three have a vested interest in anything other than Vince's continued well-being. Kevin Dillon must be a fucking great actor to make me hate him so fucking much. His face in this scene, no matter where I pause it, just makes me see red. We're talking Carrot-Top level tool-face. ARGH.

Cut to some Jay-Z protest song he wrote during Viet Nam about the "rap patrol/gat patrol" and they're driving the Phantom and smoking pot and the camera ZOOOOMS in on the weed, and Eric is taking a drag on the weed, and asks if we've ever been so shocked in our lives. I'd like to point out at this time that the whole of the staff of the Fisher-Diaz funeral home, right down the street, gets foxy at least once a season -- at least once an episode if you're talking about the Chenowiths. And those people are funeral directors and massage therapists, okay? YOU are members of young Hollywood's elite. We pay your salary! Partly for the express purpose of watching you destroy yourselves with drugs and drink! So if you're going to do drugs on the show, could you maybe try to do ACTUAL DRUGS? I'm just saying. And then I remember that hushed-up takeover several months ago when Janet Jackson's right breast assumed the Head Directorship on the HBO Quality Board. And I know I mention it in every recap, but I think about the Breast all the time, because it's taking over like Big Brother, and eventually it'll cast such a long shadow that we'll forget the Bush family ever existed. "The Breast...it lies."

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