The Script & The Sherpa

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
Meat Is Murder

Inside, Turtle is hounding Vince about his belief that Fiona is stealing food. It's charmingly and amusingly weird, like I thought it would be. Come to think of it, Drama "did have an ivy meatloaf vanish," whatever that means. Let's ask Keckler because I don't cook and she does, quite well. Turtle calls her a klepto and says, "First it's the food, then it's the plasma." Which takes awhile to make sense, in my head. Now, I would have said "flat screen," because apparently I want my audience to think even less than this shit show, but the first image that popped into my mind wasn't a TV, it was Kerry Weaver holding a bag of something gross. Okay, actually it was me, paying my rent. Ha! Vince comes clean that she threw the stolen food away. Why? She's vegan, she's "into a cruelty-free lifestyle." And all I can think about again is Ariel from Amish in the City and how badly I want someone to fuck her up, because most of my friends are vegetarian and I was for a long time but that Michael Moore kind of "this protest is all about me" bullshit is so not my scene and I hate -- hated, even when I was a vegetarian, for years and years, until I discovered Atkins! -- that demonstrative ego crap. Non-smokers like that piss me off too. It should be about the music, not you. "It's 'cruel' to throw away a $65 steak from Morton's," whines Turtle, and Drama laughs, and I laugh, but when Drama laughs it has a scary edgy little rage face at the end of it, because he loves the food, and it's all he contributes to the group. I think he just might kill Fiona, guys.

But honestly, suspension of disbelief takes another hit because nobody, not even dickless wonder Vince, would let that happen in his house. Except, um, he is. So that's fifteen logical inconsistencies in the first ten lines of dialogue of this scene. Yikes. Vince asks them to keep the meat "out of her eyeline" while's she around. Drama yells that "she's already got him wearing cloth shoes" as if it's a euphemism for "shooting heroin in his eyeballs," but actually, says Vince kind of condescendingly, they're the slippers Turtle stole from the Four Seasons Maui during a hijink we'll hopefully never see. I smell a "joke" coming, of the egaruotnE retro-engineered kind. "Those are the slippers? Where's the robe?" Enter Eric. "Fiona just dropped the robe at the pool and had nothing on underneath." Turtle's all, "She's naked at the pool?" and Vince is all, "And you were looking at her I suppose?" like you care, you're like the maiden aunt of Eric's stern matriarch. Eric's like, Dude? She's NAKED AT THE POOL! "How'd she look?" asks somebody. Turtle: "Good enough to eat, I bet?" We're still in this preposterous scene, so there must be a "Joke" #2. Drama's all, "Too bad Vince can't eat animal products anymore, huh?" Jesus, but that's stale and generic and crap. So of course they all fake-laugh, because that's what girls are. Animal products.

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